An Alumni and Her Recent Thoughts

So this is probably going to be the longest and most honest, journal-like blog post that I've ever done. This is a post about my thoughts "Post H.A." as people have called it.

If you don't care much for my personal life I suggest you don't read this because it's one of the more "me" posts then the others, which are more just focused on God.

First of all I am now an Alumni of Teen Manias internship program called the Honor Academy (aka the HA). I lived in East Texas for one year (Aug.13th 2010 -Aug.13th 2011) with a schedule that usually was from 5am until 12am filled with working in a ministry, taking classes to develop myself as a leader, growing in relationships with my 5 roommates and my "family" of 40 people as well and my friends, and finally working as leadership for the drama program to use acting as a tool of worship to reflect the Lord. That's the most generic and general way to put it, because, as they said all year, "One year never meant so much."

So...What now? It's now September and I graduated in August. At first I was planning on staying a second year, I even arranged everything to make it possible. But, as God did with a lot of Interns, I was told to not stay by Him. This was one of the hardest things to give up, I wanted to be a Graduate Intern so badly but I knew that I was being called into a different season then that. So I ended up leaving and not coming back. Now I am at home and I am trying to get re-settled in and to get started on my career. I plan on being a writer and also I want to do traveling worship and prayer ministry in the future, but all things are in God's hands for wherever He steers me.

Being in "the world" is a difficult thing. I was so used too being around over 300 on-fire Christians, working in a ministry, being required to read the Bible and spend time in a prayer room, etc. And now I am not "required" to do that anymore. It's a huge challenge to do things you aren't required to do. Complacency sneaks up on you with the "I'll do it later" mentality and being satisfied with whatever. The days I don't spend time with God I desire it and I know that I need it. I want to spend time in prayer and worship so badly, yet temptation to not do it keeps trying to come into the picture. I've learned that sometimes I need to just verbally say "No" to things that I do to stop myself (or "my flesh")

It's difficult being away from Teen Mania and I am finding it hard to adjust but I am getting there. I thank God that I have such understanding parents to help me get used to this different style of life and for their patience with me.

Now for one of the biggest things that has been on my mind lately.

Girls, we all know that we love our romantic movies, novels etc. and that we can see ourselves married with children to any guy we see if we want to (I know men, this kinda freaks you out. Women have crazy imaginations!)

I was always told "guard your heart" at the HA. Well, for women it's the heart and the mind (where guys are told heart and eyes)

I have to guard my mind a lot. Being perfectly honest I didn't date for a year because I was an intern and even before then I never dated anybody. Well, now I'm getting older, my friends are in relationships and I am allowed to date. The things though is that this can utterly consume my mind! It's annoying frankly...

That is why I took on the Character Development challenge to not date for another year after the internship. So I am not going to e romantically involved with anyone until August 13th 2012 (exactly one year since I was allowed to date)

I have been convicted on several things lately.

First, I was thinking lately, "wow, I wish I could have an amazing romance like the ones I have been hearing about..." And I heard a whisper to me heart.

"I have already given you the ultimate romance, I gave my life for you."

Wow.... Conviction slap in the face!

Jesus is already the ultimate love story and company to me. He has my heart and is the one I am devoted to. Yet it gets so hard when you want to be with somebody but you know you are not ready yet. I am not saying we should all be single, solitary nuns for our whole lives, but there is a part of our hearts that can only be satisfied with the love of the Lord, the "God shaped hole" that we all have. I can't fill that with anyone else because the Lord is my satisfaction. I am still trying to remember this and luckily the things I am doing to prepare for my books have been drawing me closer to the Lord.

Second... So there are girls out there who like many guys at the same time (To quote HomestarRunner.com, "I have a crush on every boy!")

I'm a little bit different, but I am sure there are other girls out there who are like me.

I only can have feelings for one person at a time. The problem is that instead of having puppy dog feelings that can be taken away easily, I get attatched. This is something I have been trying to work on for a long time, and by the grace of God I am getting better with it. The first person I had feelings for lasted about 8 years when I was younger. I have to guard my mind a lot because I don't like being emotionally attached to people that I should not be. My mind has been too active when thinking about dating and it takes too much away from my relationship with Christ. So that is the other reason that I am not going to be in ANY romantic relationship for a year, because it is was to distracting for me with the season of life that I am in right now and my age. And I don't want to get attached to a person if I am not sure if we are best together or compatible.

(The reason I am writing this is because generally when I write about things it helps me get over them, in case you were wondering)

There is a lot more I could say about this, but I am not going to say too much about my personal life.

I do want to extend this challenge out to anyone reading this though!

For all you singles out there, would you be willing to join me in a commitment to not date and channel all energy into growing in the Lord and in personal maturity? (plus I figure that if that person really wants to be with you they will wait a year haha) It would be great to have more people doing this, but I'm doing it no matter who else does it!

So my life has been moving in and unpacking, decorating my room and the house for my parents, serving in ministry and giving what I can, pushing myself away from any complacency, committing to not dating for another year, and working on getting a book ready to publish while learning more about music and how to be a self-supporting adult! *whew* (yet I still don't feel at busy as I did as an Intern)

I miss everybody very much but I know the Lord is going to do amazing things with the different paths He is sending us all on. I hope I get to meet my HA August 2011 classmates on the road in the future!

Keeping the Faith,

C.A.M

(P.S. I bet a few of my friends and family are thinking, "Who is it that you are trying to not get too attached to?" Well, you don't get to know, so there! I am not talking about it until August 2012 at the earliest hahaha)