"Beautiful"

I know that this is a subject that seems "overdone". But the reason we write and read about feeling beautiful is because we still don't feel like we are. So I wanted to write about my personal journey, the one I am still on, in viewing myself as a beautiful woman.


Now, you have probably heard the "I thought I was so ugly when I was younger, but once I grew up I felt beautiful" story a million times. The question is, did you feel beautiful because your confidence grew, or because you got thinner, taller, and "prettier".
Yes, we do grow more handsome and beautiful as we get older. Chances are that a twelve year old going through puberty doesn't look as stunning as a twenty five year old who has finished it. It's part of life, but the biggest growth in beauty is confidence that you are beautiful. If you don't have this when you are younger you will need to develop it, and if you did you need to make sure you keep it up instead of letting it fade as you  grow more conscience of your appearance.


It's easy to say that "True beauty is on the inside". But when I heard this my only thought was that saying meant that even though you're ugly on the outside, it's the inside that matters. That didn't help me much. Now I can see that the full meaning is that when you develop beauty, beginning on the inside, it will shine on the outside as well. 


I went to an internship where all the women I saw on campus were so beautiful! They were all second or third years, or staff members, at the ministry. I felt insecure the moment I stepped into that world. I felt like I did not belong in the same place as the pretty women. I mean, why should I be surrounded by such beautiful people and stand out as the ugly one? I could not see myself as beautiful at that time. The women there were confident, they were strong Christians, and they were "Proverbs 31" women. That is what made them so beautiful to me. 


As I look back, I think I understand why I felt ugly. It's because on the inside I was dead and I was not close to God, or behaving like a godly woman. Being around them made me see my flaws and I could not stand it. I spent the first few months in misery, believing that I did not belong. The feeling of being ugly was more of an underlying thing, I did not realize that was why I felt so bad until later. Once I began to see myself as beautiful as well, as I died to myself and my ugly, worldliness, I found that I was happy there.


(Now don't get me wrong, I think everyone is beautiful, that we are all unique and not a single one of us is ugly. I am just saying that other people are more attractive because of the type of person they are on the inside) 


So am I saying that I really was ugly compared to them? Maybe I am. Because God looks at the heart and not the outside, and my heart was ugly. (1 Samuel 16:7) I did not see that until the scales on my eyes fell off, and the light of the others shown on my darkness. As I got rid of my selfishness, my ugliness, my jealousy, and my love for the world and vanity, I found myself more beautiful.


Now I want to backtrack a little, to my early teens. I am almost twenty now, so to look back I see my foolishness.


I was a really twiggy child, my nickname was "Chicken Bone". But, once I started the wonderful thing called "Puberty", I began to gain weight. I was soon "the chubby kid" in my school. Pretty much all of my friends stayed skinny from seven to seventeen, except for me. And some of the girls would not let me forget that. Sometimes I look back and think, "Was there a way for me to have stayed skinny my whole life, like them?" But the answer is most likely No. Because this is my body type, I am not a size two or a size five, and I probably never will be. (But I am fine with that now)


I liked the same boy, growing up, as my pretty, popular friend. Outside, I would fight for him with her (joking slightly), but internally I thought that if he were to choose one of us, it would be the pretty, popular, skinny girl. (As I look back, I really don't know what I saw in him. But then again, I was only ten. My tastes weren't very developed then).
Once of my friends told me that my belly fat should be at my chest instead... Ouch...
Most of the girls hated me because, in-between the "Girls have cooties" and the "I want to date a girl" period, I hung out with a lot of guys. I was the Tom Boy, I spent most of my time with my brother, so I fit in better with guys. Plus, girls were mean to me, so why be with them?


Pretty much since I was seven I was the "Friendzone" girl. And I was fine with it! I just wanted to be with friends who liked video games and not glittery makeup. But the words from the other girls, and my own thoughts, were developing me into a person with very low self esteem. And my terrible haircut when I was thirteen did not help those feelings!


I wore sweats and t-shirts, I had a terrible bowl cut type of hair style, I was chubby, and I just did not like myself at all from twelve to fifteen. I put on a front, and was pretty much a jerk to everyone during that time. I acted like I didn't care about being pretty, wearing makeup, and that I was chalked full of confidence. But pride and insecurity are the same thing. Pride is insecurity in disguise, and insecurity can even be pride in disguise. 


The truth was that I felt ugly and unwanted. I had so many problems that it was crazy. Maybe I was just a dramatic teenager, but it felt terrible at the time. Who cared about makeup when you felt ugly even with it piled on? It was easier to just hide myself and build walls.


When I was sixteen God impacted my life through a mission trip to Alaska. I admitted to how I was feeling to the girls on my team, and got healing from it. But not full healing. After the trip was when I signed up for the internship. I has graduated high school two years early because I could not stand to be with people anymore. I was down to about three friends, out of the many I used to have, and I also moved out of the state. Once I was at the internship, well, I already told you about that.


Even after I finished my year in August of 2011, I still had feelings of insecurity.


I always hated my smile, I hated my chubby cheeks, I hated my clothing size, my completion, I hated a lot of things about me. I never showed my teeth when I smiled for photos, I hardly smiled in general. We used to have photo shoots for fun with my roommates, and that really helped me feel better. (I still love those pictures!)


I was going to stay another year, but God had other plans for me. Being home was hard. I missed campus, and I didn't feel like I was doing amazing things like the other graduates were.
Insecurity creeped back in. I felt ugly on the outside, and I felt unaccomplished on the inside. I recently went through a hard week filled with tears from insecurity, and about my life in general. But I am getting back on my feet and finding value in myself again.


This may sound too simple, or cliche, but this is how I have felt better about myself lately.


- I read my Bible more again, I talked to God about how I felt, and I journaled and wrote worship songs. This lifts my spirits for the day.


- When I look in the mirror I smile, and even say "I am beautiful" on occasion. When I start to feel bad about my looks I laugh and make a face and get over it. So what if there's a "muffin top" because of your jeans? Who cares about that in the end?  This helps me to make fun of myself a little, because I know I am beautiful anyways.


- I stopped watching shows about fashion. I pretty much just watch Sci-Fi films and series, and the Food Network. Getting rid of people telling me that I need to be prettier or skinnier helps me not compare.


- I threw out a lot of old makeup, and replaced it with some more natural looking, simple varieties. This helped my let go of the past, of piling on makeup to feel better. I don't need to "Make up" for anything that I am missing, I just accentuate the parts of my that I know are pretty anyways.


- I don't wear makeup unless I am going out. This helps me to see myself as beautiful everyday, and so I don't feel bad when I take off the makeup. I feel more comfortable in my skin this way, and it's better for me in the end.


- Saying things out loud may make you seem crazy, but hearing things helps, and saying things help you to process them. Hearing that I am beautiful, even if said by myself, helps me mentally.


- Never, never, never change yourself for another person! Do not loose weight just to get that one guy to like you. If you want to loose weight, or improve the way you dress, do it for yourself.


There is nothing wrong with bettering yourself, the problem is when you focus on it and overdo it!


Another thing is that we sometimes feel like if we know we are beautiful, and have confidence, than we are prideful, arrogant, and stuck up. But there is nothing wrong with having confidence in yourself! A arrogant person is one who puts down others to make them feel better, who feels like they are more attractive than anyone, and everyone else is ugly compared to them. A person who is confident doesn't have to put others down, knows they are beautiful and unique, and that all people are. Please know the difference, and don't let people tell you that you are stuck up because you know you are beautiful. 


I hope hearing about my personal journey has helped you. I went from the girl who saw herself as ugly and never smiled, to being the girl who sees herself as beautiful and smiles! I still have bad days, I am not saying that I am perfect in the least! And I am not saying to be like me, I am saying to be yourself. I do not want people to compare themselves to me ever! I want to encourage you that if you feel this way, you are not alone!


God took me out of my pit, but I need to work to stay out of it. Every day I make sure to find my worth in Him, and not my appearance, and to also see myself as beautiful, valuable, and precious!


Please know, whatever race, age, or gender you are, that you are beautiful! You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
(Psalm 139:13-14) 


Refining the faith,
-C.A.M.