Regaining My Spark

I'll be frank, lately I haven't been doing so well. You see, I moved to Korea, got into the Major I wanted, starting dating someone who cares for me more than I could imagine, and in general got "everything I wanted". Okay, so why was I not feeling so hot then? We tend to think of our lives in reference to the future, that if we get that one thing we'll be happier than we are. Well guess what? I was. I was so happy, but slowly something didn't feel right. I started to lose confidence in myself, and all the things that I loved I stopped doing. Things were routine in a way. I'm not complaining, at least I'm trying not to, but even though I was happy I didn't feel quite like "Myself".

I put off the things that I loved doing, I backed away from my hobbies, and I found myself a little empty in return... And now I realize that it really is about the little things. The things we do on a daily basis to keep ourselves uplifted. We prioritize what others say are "the right things", but we lose ourselves in the process and end up being a miss-matched bunch of expectations from other people. I did everything that the Assistant Dean of my school told me to do to be "successful", so why did I feel like a failure all year? I constantly put others first, in a way that I ate what they wanted, did what they wanted, and basically lived how they wanted to. I like others to be happy, and there isn't anything wrong with that, but isn't my own happiness worth while as well? Only doing what others want deprives you of your "you-ness" (or, as they say in the latest Alice in Wonderland movie, "Muchness"). 

I often say "I feel like myself", and a lot of the time people retort with the joke, "Who did you feel like before then?" I get it, maybe not everyone understands this feeling. But to me this feeling comes and goes to be honest. There are times when I just feel..."Off", as in askew. Everything seems right, I'm healthy, and in general happy, yet something doesn't feel quite right. I don't feel like my usual self and this rut gets me really down. I was warned by several people when I moved to Korea that I shouldn't lose who I am, that I needed to be myself and not change to anyone else's standards. Sounded simple enough, and I thought to myself, "I'll never do something like that. I am who I am, I like who I am, why would I change?" Well guess what? I did. 

Surrounded by "stylish" and skinny Korean women all the time is tolling. Strangers shooting you dirty looks because of your skin and hair color is tiring. Being told you need to be smarter and socialize with certain people is aggravating. And most of all, giving up what you love to make someone else happy is demoralizing and exhausting. 

I needed to work so I spent my Saturday working, and Monday-Friday I had class (and other jobs and clubs, etc.), meaning Sunday was my "free day", free meaning homework day that is. What happened to going to Church and then lunch with my friends? What happened to painting my nails? Having fun with my makeup? Changing up my jewelry? Listening to new music? Reading novels? Drawing and writing? Going on adventures in the one country I've wanted to move to for years? Those things slowly disappeared, and I realized why I wasn't myself, really myself. All the little things that made up "me", that made up my happiness. This is no one else's fault, let me make that perfectly clear. I'm not blaming anyone, and I'm not discrediting the things I did do with people I know. I had a great time whenever I went out, regardless of who's plan it was. I'm mainly talking about the times I had alone and to myself that I just didn't do things to boost my energy levels. 

As an introvert especially, I need "recharge time", when I just spend time alone doing what I love so that I'm energetic about being with people again. Without this time I get extremely grumpy. But I put so many of my hobbies to the side for different reasons, and I'm just writing about the two biggest ones. 

Firstly, I was embarrassed. People teased me about posting my nail photos online, and so I stopped doing it. Even if people poke fun at me to be cute I feel exposed and I don't want to do it anymore. Some of my hobbies are nerdy or weird to others so I tried to hide them. It's stupid isn't it? I mean, we always say you should be with friends who like you for who you are, yet when it comes down to it we fear loneliness so much that we'll chicken out and downplay our passions. (Well, I have at least.) I LOVE Korean music. I have a blog for it, I had a YouTube channel dedicated to it, yet I downplayed it to make friends. Guess what? I love it. It's fun. It makes me happy. It's the reason I fell in love with Korea in the beginning. I also love nerdy TV shows, cooking, Manga, novels, weird YouTubers, and in general I can be loud and crazy but I tend to be quiet around people because most people can't handle this part of me. (Hence why I have three friends that I've had for the longest time, and am only super talkative with my family.) So I hid my passions out of embarrassments to fit in. To be blunt, that was sucky of me. 

And secondly, I put them off for "more important things". Homework, work, and commitments are important, don't get me wrong. But always putting them first and never making time for what I love? What's the point of all that if I'm not keeping myself happy and motivated? I put myself down a lot tis semester. Regarding my body, my grades, my projects, and living in Korea in general. I thought I was just ugly, fat, and didn't deserve to be in my major. Guess what? That was also dumb of me to say. Why would I be somewhere unless I was supposed to be? I love my classes (mostly haha), I was fine with how I looked before, and really I don't care about a letter on a fancy paper. My friends and family and boyfriend all love me how I am, why didn't I like myself? I just let myself get sad and when I'm sad I'm a downer, mainly to myself. 

So why am I writing all this? Who knows, maybe because I simply miss writing and this is what was on my mind. But the point is that I feel like myself again now. I painted my nails, did my makeup, wore what I wanted, and blasted my K-Pop and sang along unashamed. And I feel better for it. I feel better reading books, I feel better posting photos of my nails, and I feel better writing about this stuff and anything else I want. I feel so happy in general, and I feel like that little void is filled and satisfied now. I know that I need to do the little things because that's what keeps me going. 

So what's my challenge to you? You can work hard, give other people a chance to plan, and have priorities. But don't lose yourself, and keep up with the things that make you happy. Otherwise a twinge of unhappiness may follow you around. 

Some people may think this is lame, some people may get upset when reading this for some reason. But whatever. Because I've been bottling up how I've felt for too long and I need let me be myself. I want to be that bright girl I was a year ago, and I look forward to restarting my year with the same optimism. Here's hoping it'll last this time, and that I won't forget who I am and what I love and what gives that extra spark to my life. 

Refining the faith, 

-C.A.M. 


(Image Source: http://blogs.sun-sentinel.com/crime-and-safety/2011/12/)