Recently I took a simple photo of myself. Nothing too out of the ordinary to a regular internet dweller. You see the side of my face, and part of my legs. People can think whatever they want about why I took and posted this photo, but I wanted to write about the true reason why I did it.
By now you may have noticed that I tend to put a lot of thought into pretty much everything that I do. I don't do many things on a whim, because I'm an introvert. That is, I process things internally. Whenever I'm quiet that just means that I'm thinking. It doesn't mean I'm upset, happy, or sad; it just means that I'm thinking about something. It could be super deep, or it could just be about what I want to wear tomorrow. Who knows?
Anyways, my point is that I was thinking alone in my room yesterday about myself. Specifically, the two things that I do not like about myself the most. Those two things were simple, and there are probably a lot of women out there who think this way as well. (Note: I don't think there's anything wrong with growth or wanting to change ourselves in general. It's the motives that count. If it's out of pride or for another person, or society as a whole, it's not worth it. If you want to be healthy or become a more Christlike person for yourself, or to glorify God, I see no fault in that. It's the motives that count. Before changing yourself, ask, "Why am I really doing this?")
1. I don't like to show my legs.
Some people say that it's modesty, and that's the reason I don't ever show my legs. I don't wear shirts or dresses without leggings very often, and I have not worn shorts outside of my house/room for about 1 1/2 - 2 years. Yea. When I lived on a campus with a strict, modest, dress code, I still wore shorts. So it's not so much about "being modest and not showing off skin" as it is being self-conscience. I recently moved to Korea and pretty much everyone on campus, and around, is thinner than I am. That's a simple fact- it's genetics! I'm not saying that there's something wrong either way, I'm saying that personally I found it difficult to be around what I consider to be a lot of beautiful people. When you go to college there's a lot of stress, and besides getting good grades we deal with the stress of relationships, of fitting in. A week after getting here I though,
"Everyone on this campus is so beautiful, except for me."
I remember thinking this back in 2010 though. When I first moved to Texas for the Teen Mania Internship, I thought the exact same thing. I compared myself to every single person that walked past me every single day. I didn't even want to leave my room at times because I was so scared of what other people might think of me. I didn't look people in the eyes and was timid and awkward. After a year of these emotions, I finally put it all aside and grew in confidence. But lately that confidence died off, and I've been going through the same struggle all over again. The emotions of my past, which I thought I had under control, all have come speeding back towards me these past few months. So why don't I wear shorts? Because I'm scared of being compared with the other girls who are also wearing shorts. It's easier for me to put on the same pair of jeans every day and just cover up my insecurities than to deal with them.
2. I don't like my face from a side angle.
Maybe this is a bit specific, but it's true. When people take a picture of me from my profile, I usually hate it. I don't even want to look, because I simply do not like it. I can't really say why, it's just that I don't like the sides of my face. And that's the truth. Any photo taken of me from the side is promptly removed from my sight.
I've been thinking a lot lately about why I've been feeling this way again. The answer was to simple and it was staring me in the face, but I chose to ignore it out of pride. I have been drifting away from God, from reading the Bible and spending time with my Father. I cut off the source of my joy, peace, and confidence and the result was feeling lonely, depressed, and having low self-esteem. I stopped identifying myself as a child of God, as someone precious and loved. Once I lost sight of who I was, I was completely open to believe lies about myself. But I realized this fact during this past week, and confronted it. I'm not too awkward or shy to have friends. I'm not ugly. I'm not alone or abandoned. And I'm realizing this again.
It's difficult to admit these things about ourselves, but really it's only through talking (or in my case, typing) about these things that we are able to heal. So I took a photo that had both my legs, and a side profile, and I uploaded it. I looked at it. I didn't post it to fish for compliments, hoping that people would say "Wow, great! You're so pretty!" I did it for myself, to get out of my comfort zone and stare my "flaws" in the face. I posted it to say "This is who I am. I accept myself, even if society doesn't, exactly the way I am right now." I did it to accept myself, not so others could say that they accept me. So I look at this photo and I think about these verses.
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14
"You are altogether beautiful, my darling, And there is no blemish in you." -Song of Songs 4:7
It takes time to heal and to build back up something that has been broken. It's not a painless, simple, or easy process. But I'm taking the steps that I need to in order to be happy with how I was created. So I have a challenge for you, the person who is reading this. I haven't done a challenge in a long time, but I figured, why not?
Take a picture of what you're insecure about. Anything, your eyes, legs, mouth, arms, etc.
Then take that photo and look at it. But try to see it in a different light. Look at it and say "I am fearfully (beautifully) and wonderfully made." Accept those things as a part of who you are, and grow to love them. It's difficult, I know. But I feel that this is a healing process that we can grow from together. Just remember that every part of you, down to the atoms and quarks, was hand crafted. It's beautiful and special because the person who made you says so. Believe in the person you are, and don't let the things about you that are "different" be considered unacceptable. "There is no blemish in you" Your very existence is wonderful and amazing, so realize that. Love your differences, and embrace your "flaws". I'm trying my best, so I would love it if you joined me.
Refining the faith,
-C.A.M.
