Heart Surgery

When visiting California I went to a church that was really great and they started a new line of sermons the first day I went out of the two weeks I've gone. It's called "total body makeover" and it's making your body better inside and out because we belong to God. ("You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price." 1 Corinthians 6:20) And among other things this last week the pastor talked about having a "heart problem". He said when you have a heart attack your arm and throat seem to be having problems, but the root is the heart! And that you may think "I have a language (mouth) problem, a lust (eye) problem, or many other types but it's that you have a heart problem! And when reading back at previous posts (one of the reasons for writing this blog) I noticed I had been saying I had "tone problems" and other "___ problems" but it seems like in reality I am having a heart problem.

I need to be working on my heart more. Just like exercising your other muscles I need to exercise and work on my heart more then I have been. But it's not something I can just flex and things will be better, I need to give it up to God. God is like a bow-flex for your spiritual life. He works it out for you more easily but you have to give it all up and work at it. You can't just use a bow-flex once and expect to be buff like the people on TV and magazines, you need to work at it. (yeah, I know, not too great of an example but please spare me hahaha) My point is simply that I can't be working on this alone and expect results. I need God to take over and work on me and help me to see the areas I can work on myself and what areas to give up. I know that deep down I have some issues that I sealed away to take care of later that should be opened up and exposed for work. And giving it all up to God is something I struggle with. I want Him to take my life and use me for whatever He needs, but the idea of giving all my burdens, pain, and my heart issues is a difficult task to me. I hold on to things so long that my skin seems to grow around it and I have to rip it out painfully to be able to work on it at all...Graphic? Yes. True? Yes. to be digging into my old self and things I hide away is the same as a bleeding mess of tearing off my skin but more excruciating. And when people say "talk to me and let me help you get through this" I just say I'm fine and seal it up for later... Not to mention that I am afraid of those people who can expose me. I feel an almost physical version of pain and I would rather shove it away then keep it out for further healing.

Another thing is belonging completely to God. I tried finding my own identity and I don't want to belong to a person and be identified by them, at least that's what I tell myself. But I feel like I may find myself, my true self, that way. But I'm afraid that I'll change and not be who I or others I know and wont recognize myself anymore. I have this lingering fear that if I change I'll be abandoned by those I love and so I don't want to change. But I don't know how exactly I'll be changing until I do. Soon I'll be at Honor Academy for a year and I'm so excited but also really nervous because I know I'll be changed while I'm there. But I also know that's what I need...

Part of me wants to shove aside all my heart problems and fix them once I'm at the Honor Academy but I know that I should be constantly working on these things with God. I want to be rid of these heart problems I'm having and to have God to come in and do major surgery on me. And instead of picturing the person I want to be I can become that woman of God I picture. So in my own little book I am now at step one out of who knows how many on my heart surgery chart, recognize that I have a problem. Now for the difficult part... Giving it all up and getting it fixed...

-Keeping the Faith,

C.A.M