This Is My Prayer in the Desert

There has been a song constantly on replay in my mind lately. After hearing it, I felt something stir up within me as if the song was meant to be played for me at this moment. If you don't know this song, I really recommend that you listen to it. The song is "Desert Song" by Hillsong United. I'm also going to post the lyrics because they are the most important part!

VERSE 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all thats within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

VERSE 2:
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS:
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

VERSE 3:
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise Ill stand

BRIDGE:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

VERSE 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know Im filled to be emptied again
The seed Ive received I will sow

The season that I'm in right now is of trial. When my faith is being shaken, and even those around me seem to be faltering. When I say that Korea is going to happen, that the tuition will be paid a lot of people move to Plan B. Can you go next time? Can you do something else? Maybe it won't happen. Maybe it's not the right timing yet. While there are still strong people in my life encouraging me, there are those that make me feel nervous. I have to rely on God to be my strength, and not the words of other people. Because while the Church is a support system, your fellowship, and your family, they still aren't God. They aren't perfect. You cannot put all your trust and reliance on people, no matter hoy godly they are.

"Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save." -Psalm 146:3

"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans." -Psalm 118:8

When I was a teenager I would read this verse as, "Don't trust people. Only trust God." But that isn't the point of the verse. (In my current opinion, that is.) I thought that not trusting anyone was the right thing to do, because I had trust issues at the time. But when I read the verse now I read it as, "Don't put all your faith, hope, and trust in humans. Don't rely on them alone to support and provide for you. Don't rely on the Government to provide for your needs. Put your trust in God because He is the mightiest. He is your Father and provider and the one you can fully lean on. He does not falter, hold grudges, fail, or lie. Why should you put your faith in Man, who is full of fault and imperfect, when you can place your faith in God, who is perfect?"

It's not so much about how terrible and untrustworthy people are, but about how perfect and powerful God is! How can we compare to Him? If you have a choice to go to the King for help, or go to a peasant, who would you choose? If you could ask someone for favor or for money, would you ask the poor man or the rich man? It seems like an obvious choice when you think about it. But since we can physically see the people in our life we are inclined to trust them first. While we, as the Body of Christ, are still to love, support, help, and provide for each other, we should be second, not first. God should always be #1 in everything. Because He is naturally the better choice. It's about convincing our mind that our invisible Father is more trustworthy and reliable than the humans we can see. I've had a hard time with that. I think, "How is this going to be possible? How can I get the money I need in a month?" But it's not really me getting the money, it's God. If I ask, "How can my omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent, and eternal God get $10,000?" That would sound pretty ridiculous! God has provided for me in the past. Not to this amount and extent, yet, but He has! I paid off an internship that was about $8,000 over the course of a year. I went from nearly being financially dismissed to having it all paid off within a day! The funds came from people, but the provision was from God. I have to remind myself of that day, in the right way. Not in the, "Well, it took longer for less money last time!" kind of way. Instead I try to think of it as, "God came through before and He will now."

It's terrifying to have the fate of the next four years of your life being determined by one day. Making one deadline is what determines what I'll be doing the next few years, and maybe even the course of my life in general. It's terrifying. The important thing in this time is to have faith. Sometimes God will call you to a Nation. You'll suddenly have a deep love and appreciation for the culture and people of that Country. After that, all you want to do is go there, with all of your being. It's an unquenchable desire to be with those people, that only you can fully understand and comprehend.  Then He tells you to wait. You have to learn more about your ministry, yourself, and those people before you can go there. The timing isn't the same as yours most of the time, and you sit there every day in practical pain from the longing to leave. Yet you are called to wait.  Once that wait is over the joy is unexplainable and you cannot fully express it. It's the greatest feeling in the world to know that you are finally able to go. It's a struggle that can be over a month or several years, but it's worth it in the end. And when you know that you know it's time to go, God gives you the faith to know it's going to happen. What others say doesn't matter anymore and you are being led by faith and not by sight to your calling. Many things can come to cause you pain or discourage you, but it's your job to stay strong. It's beautiful, challenging, and amazing. I am realizing that I am blessed to be going through this refining process right now.

I have waited to apply to a College for about 4 years now. Good things come with time, right? (Sometimes I feel awkward starting College when I'm 20, but I need to not be ashamed or embarrassed about it.) Nothing felt right, so I gave it to God and chose to wait instead of randomly selecting a school and major. I finally found the place that seemed right, it was perfect, and I had peace about my choice. In fact, everyone did! I chose the major I wanted, and my passion for Korea and Design grows daily. I got my acceptance letter, and later that night I received a packet telling me how much money I needed. My joy was slowly being stolen and replaced with anxiety and fear. My face broke out with all kinds of acne, I felt tired, irate, my hair got oily, and I started to even feel a bit sick. The stress was getting to me in all the wrong ways, and I've been a mess these past couple weeks. But within the storm there's a calming, internal voice. I can feel the Spirit of God telling me, "Have peace. I will provide." I'm not perfect, so I will admit that some days I have utmost peace and others I freak out. In my spirit I know that God wants to provide and send me to this country. This is the first time that I have felt this for a Nation. I know that I know, it's just something placed within me that says: "THIS IS RIGHT." I have had so many opportunities that I turned down, and this is the first one that I felt God say, "Go ahead." Why would God place these things in my heart if He was going to take it away and say "Just kidding!" He placed these desires within me for a reason, and after years of waiting to leave the Country this is the time to do it.

God is also using this time to refine me. It's a phrase that I use a lot, hence the Blog title! To refine means to; "reduce to a pure state, remove by purifying, and to free from course, unsuitable, or immoral characteristics." And to be refined means "to become free from impurities." That sounds a lot like God, right? It's a deep emotional and spiritual process. All of your junk has to come to the surface so it can be removed. Before something can be properly used, it must be pure and clean. This preparation for Korea goes far beyond Visas and tuition payments, it's also Spiritual preparation. I have had Spiritual Warfare going on to the max! Issues I thought were long gone resurfaced so I could permanently defeat them. I'm emotionally, physically, and spiritually stretched to my limit. When I was in E.S.O.A.L they called it "Hitting B.A.R". B.A.R means "Burial and Resurrection." It's when your strength is gone and you can only go on by relying on the strength of God. You have died to yourself, and are resurrected with Christ. (Col. 3:1-4) 

I feel like I'm going through B.A.R again. I'm in battle, being refined in the fire, and feeling dry like I'm in the desert, as the song says. But it also says, "All of my life in every season. You are still God I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship." I woke up the other day and just looked in the mirror. I thought, "Wow. God made me. My voice and facial expressions. My body, soul, and spirit. He made everything around me, and everyone I know. I woke up today. I'm alive. I'm breathing. I'm healthy. Thank you so much God." He is still God, no matter what season I'm in. If it's the desert, the fire, the battle, or the soon to come harvest. He is still God. And he will help me through the tough parts to reap all I have sown. He is the God who provides and I can stand on that promise. It's so terrifying, exciting, and difficult in my life right now. Yet I will bring praise and no weapon, physical or spiritual, shall remain. I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ, and that's amazing! And when God comes through and provides, I can tell everyone what He has done for me! I didn't get the money from the Government with grants or aid, but from God's provision. 

GOD is my scholarship fund. 

I hope that this inspires someone out there. I know how it feels to be scared, to feel dry and alone, and to be desperate. I understand that feeling. But I am growing each day in faith and trust in God. I am being refined and stretched for a reason. This difficult time is going to help not only myself, but others in the future. And I am glad that I am going through these tough times, because I will find God in the desert. It's when we have run out of earthly water than Heaven rains down what we need. 

Refining the faith, 

-C.A.M.