Are Fat Shaming and Critical Christianity Similar?

It's been a long time since I've written on this blog. But I had a thought and I wanted to put it to paper, so to speak.

There have been many articles about "Fat Shaming" lately, and loving your body. Recently I've been going through quite a struggle when it comes to Church and certain aspects of Christianity. I believe in the Bible, I identify with Christ, the whole sha-bang. But the church as I see it is different to me now. Not all, certainly, but a pattern that I noticed. And what I noticed is that fat shaming and negativity in the church are very similar.


People defend themselves saying that they aren't shaming the person, they are concerned with their health. And maybe you are, but let's just make something clear that if you are telling a person they should be ashamed of themselves, are making fun of them, or making a person feel bad about who they are you are not "concerned for their health". Maybe you want them to live longer, be healthy, etc. But being healthy and fitting in with other peoples and the medias expectation of what "healthy" looks like are different. I am not a size 6 or under. I do, however, exercise for an hour a day, eat mostly raw fruits and vegetables, and take the stairs instead of the elevator whenever I can. I'm hygienic, I am in perfect health when I go in for checkups, and I am not considered "healthy" because I am not thin enough, to some people at least. Judging based on the outer appearance of a person without knowing what they are going through is wrong, period.

Let's shift to Christianity. When you tell a person that you are concerned for their spiritual health and are genuine, that's one thing. Telling a person that they are awful, sinful, will die and burn, and need to shape up and be more like you is different. Only God knows a persons heart (1 Samuel 16:7) and only that person understands what they are going through (1 Cor. 2:11).

Please don't disguise judgement as concern. 
If someone thinks I have an unhealthy eating and exercise lifestyle, they might recommend something to me as a concerned friend. It's my choice to accept it or not. If a person forces me to go on a diet, like some parents force their children to "to make them healthier", that's not really right in my opinion. I'm fine with suggestions and telling me maybe I should do this or that, as advice. But if a person insists I do it and tells me I'm terrible if I don't, it's hurtful.

Sometimes people are very aggressive about giving bibles and sermons out. I think it's right to offer to people, I think it's good. But forcing things on a person and ignoring their free will doesn't tend to lead down the right roads. (John 6:44) You can offer, you can be open for them at any time, but you cannot force someone to believe in something.

Don't pressure someone to do what you want in your timing to make you feel better. 

I've heard a lot of stories of people who post photos during their weight loss journey and are mocked cause it isn't fast enough. I know people who hate going to a gym cause people tease them when they go there. They say that they should exercise and be healthy, then mock those people when they try to change. Essentially it's a culture that you have to be fit to go to a gym, which makes no sense.

When a person goes to church and are not the "clean cut" looking people you want to see in the building... that's just.... ugh...
You want to be welcoming and say that anyone is welcome, that God loves you as you are and we are called to be the reflection of that love. Christ didn't come for the perfect, he didn't come to make a club or goodie-goodies that make fun of the "bad influences". He came because of love and for those who needed Him. (Romans 5:8, 1 John 4:10, 1 John 4:19, etc.) Judging a broken person in a church is like judging an overweight person at the gym. And also, they may not even be "overweight", maybe they look that way by your standards. Some people don't like tattooed and pierced people in their sanctuaries (the irony considering the meaning of "sanctuary") yet a lot of the people I know who dedicated their life to freeing sex slaves in Thailand and preaching have tattoos, piercings, and don't dress in the "proper way".

Don't tell someone to "fix" a problem and then mock them when they try. 

When a person who is considered overweight "messes up their diet" it's a big deal. When a thin person eats an unhealthy thing "they earned it, so it's okay". This is really unfair to judge a person based on their visible track record. Judging people differently when they eat the same food because of their appearance is not cool. Maybe I shouldn't have cause you know I'm on a diet, but me breaking my diet should not be twice as bad as a thin person breaking theirs.


Similarly, when a person who is "lost and struggling" may make a mistake it can be made a far bigger deal. A "you keep messing up" type of feeling is conveyed. Love keeps no records of wrongs, meaning that you don't keep track of what a person did last week to compare with today. (Isaiah 43:25, Heb. 8:12) We shouldn't be making a list of who messes up more, and who we should be more lenient on when they make a mistake. We are humans, we mess up, none of us are perfect. So when a new christian does something that hurts them and you get so upset and judge them, yet if a person you consider super holy does the same thing and you think "it's okay, it's just one small mistake" that's an issue to me. God is fair, and we should be too.


Don't set standard levels for people based on appearance. 




In both cases it's a journey. It isn't an instant transformation. I can't do one sit-up and eat a carrot and magically be thin. I also didn't say one prayer and my life became perfect and I never made any mistakes and all my past issues went away. Shame is never a good thing. Never. Shame is not of God either. It is not one of the aspects of love or fruits of the spirit. But not keeping records of wrong, not judging, being patient, being good, and love protects. (1 Cor. 13:4-7, Gal. 5:22-23)
In both cases, we should be protecting people. From what? From judgement from others, from pain and hurt and neglect and abuse. From being an outcast and feeling unwanted, ugly, or uncared for. Personal trainers should not tell a person they are doing bad when they are trying, they encourage them to keep trying and tell them how proud they are, they coach them and cheer them on. Christians should be the same way. We should be open to anyone coming into our lives and into churches. There should be no screening of appropriateness, if we should allow them to be around us, if they perfected themselves alone enough first.

What would the point of churches (or gyms) be if you had to do it all on your own until you felt perfect enough to come?
With no help, no support, not until you fit in. If I sound upset it's because I am. It's because I've met people who have been deeply wounded by the church, and I have too in the past. And I've seen people who suffer from self-loathing from their body, as I do.

I see the similarities of the self loathing I have when I sin, when I slip up, and when I eat a cupcake. I look around to see who caught me. I tell myself "don't you do that again!". I say that I made a mistake and I go into this spiral of self-hate because of something that, in retrospect, isn't a huge deal. I beat myself up when I tell a lie like I beat myself up when I skip "arm day".  Because it's the same dread.

Acceptance. 

I dread that if I'm overweight I won't be accepted by others as an equal. I dread being judged by those around me, and people I don't know, when I go about my daily life. I don't want someone to see my eating a cupcake 'cause I don't want to see the look on their face when I eat it. The "you didn't earn that, you can't do that, I'm better than you, I caught you being bad" face. I don't like to eat in public for this reason, and in fact I force myself to. I still have a hard time eating anything sweet or fried in public because I am so scared of judgement. I know I should love myself, I know that I am wonderfully made, I know that really I am beautiful (SoS 4:7, Psalm 139:14) I am made in the image of God, and I am "good". But I want so much for everyone else to think that about me too.

Now imagine feeling this way not only about your body, but who you are. You slip up, you get jealous or have a fit of rage. "Did anyone see me? Will they still be friends with me? I didn't go to church in a while, am I still welcome? Will they judge me and ask why I haven't come? Did I do something wrong? I should fix myself before going back. I need to seem on track with everyone else." It's like telling yourself you cannot join that Pilates class again until you do enough at home to be on the same page, when they point of it is to grow together.

Now, I understand that a lot of this is internal too. It's shaming and a struggle between yourself and that voice that says you aren't good enough. But what I'm saying is that it shouldn't be fueled by others. You have enough damage and judgement from yourself to fight, so do you need it from others too? Or should others support and help you, and tell you that you are wonderful not only when you're finished the journey but every step of the way as well. (1 Peter 4:8)

This is the final comparison I want to make.

Some people say that telling an "overweight" person to love themselves and that they are beautiful/handsome is bad because it promotes bad behavior and an unhealthy lifestyle. "We don't want our kids to look up to fat people, then they'll be fat too." (This is wrong in soooo many ways that I don't want to go into at the moment)

Ensuring a person that they are valuable isn't encouraging bad behavior. 
Listen. Telling someone that they are great and valuable and intelligent and worth listening to and that they can love them self isn't encouraging them to get worse, it's cheering them on to keep going. Loving a person helps them grow. If they are happy with who they are, why take that away? I'm sure they know they can improve in areas without being harassed.

In the same way, telling a person who is not a christian and who still has a lot of healing to do and spiritual development to continue that they are loved and they should value who they are isn't "encouraging sin". (Prov. 19:8) Saying, "you can do that all you want, nothing bad will happen" that is encouraging it. Saying "you are loved and valued no matter what", is being a loving person.

God loves us on our journey, and so we should love each other on it too. (John 13:34-35, Eph. 4:1-2)

We crave acceptance and expect judgement from others. It's harmful and we should not help grow these feelings in others.

So let me just say this, stop shaming people who don't look how you think they should, and please stop shaming 'sinners' because they do not act how you want. Let people into places when they want to change and be loving and helpful. Don't expect them to look exactly like you and act like you, because we are all unique.
And above all else, love people no matter who they are or what part of their journey they are on. (Matt. 22:36-40)

"The greatest of these is love" - 1 Corinthians 13:13 


-CAM

(I hope you could read this with an open mind. I'm not just pointing a finger saying everyone is bad, but I did notice a popular pattern. I'm also working on these things myself, so I write this not only for others but for me. I tend to be critical of myself and at times I wonder if it's because of the harsh churches that I attended growing up.)

Regaining My Spark

I'll be frank, lately I haven't been doing so well. You see, I moved to Korea, got into the Major I wanted, starting dating someone who cares for me more than I could imagine, and in general got "everything I wanted". Okay, so why was I not feeling so hot then? We tend to think of our lives in reference to the future, that if we get that one thing we'll be happier than we are. Well guess what? I was. I was so happy, but slowly something didn't feel right. I started to lose confidence in myself, and all the things that I loved I stopped doing. Things were routine in a way. I'm not complaining, at least I'm trying not to, but even though I was happy I didn't feel quite like "Myself".

I put off the things that I loved doing, I backed away from my hobbies, and I found myself a little empty in return... And now I realize that it really is about the little things. The things we do on a daily basis to keep ourselves uplifted. We prioritize what others say are "the right things", but we lose ourselves in the process and end up being a miss-matched bunch of expectations from other people. I did everything that the Assistant Dean of my school told me to do to be "successful", so why did I feel like a failure all year? I constantly put others first, in a way that I ate what they wanted, did what they wanted, and basically lived how they wanted to. I like others to be happy, and there isn't anything wrong with that, but isn't my own happiness worth while as well? Only doing what others want deprives you of your "you-ness" (or, as they say in the latest Alice in Wonderland movie, "Muchness"). 

I often say "I feel like myself", and a lot of the time people retort with the joke, "Who did you feel like before then?" I get it, maybe not everyone understands this feeling. But to me this feeling comes and goes to be honest. There are times when I just feel..."Off", as in askew. Everything seems right, I'm healthy, and in general happy, yet something doesn't feel quite right. I don't feel like my usual self and this rut gets me really down. I was warned by several people when I moved to Korea that I shouldn't lose who I am, that I needed to be myself and not change to anyone else's standards. Sounded simple enough, and I thought to myself, "I'll never do something like that. I am who I am, I like who I am, why would I change?" Well guess what? I did. 

Surrounded by "stylish" and skinny Korean women all the time is tolling. Strangers shooting you dirty looks because of your skin and hair color is tiring. Being told you need to be smarter and socialize with certain people is aggravating. And most of all, giving up what you love to make someone else happy is demoralizing and exhausting. 

I needed to work so I spent my Saturday working, and Monday-Friday I had class (and other jobs and clubs, etc.), meaning Sunday was my "free day", free meaning homework day that is. What happened to going to Church and then lunch with my friends? What happened to painting my nails? Having fun with my makeup? Changing up my jewelry? Listening to new music? Reading novels? Drawing and writing? Going on adventures in the one country I've wanted to move to for years? Those things slowly disappeared, and I realized why I wasn't myself, really myself. All the little things that made up "me", that made up my happiness. This is no one else's fault, let me make that perfectly clear. I'm not blaming anyone, and I'm not discrediting the things I did do with people I know. I had a great time whenever I went out, regardless of who's plan it was. I'm mainly talking about the times I had alone and to myself that I just didn't do things to boost my energy levels. 

As an introvert especially, I need "recharge time", when I just spend time alone doing what I love so that I'm energetic about being with people again. Without this time I get extremely grumpy. But I put so many of my hobbies to the side for different reasons, and I'm just writing about the two biggest ones. 

Firstly, I was embarrassed. People teased me about posting my nail photos online, and so I stopped doing it. Even if people poke fun at me to be cute I feel exposed and I don't want to do it anymore. Some of my hobbies are nerdy or weird to others so I tried to hide them. It's stupid isn't it? I mean, we always say you should be with friends who like you for who you are, yet when it comes down to it we fear loneliness so much that we'll chicken out and downplay our passions. (Well, I have at least.) I LOVE Korean music. I have a blog for it, I had a YouTube channel dedicated to it, yet I downplayed it to make friends. Guess what? I love it. It's fun. It makes me happy. It's the reason I fell in love with Korea in the beginning. I also love nerdy TV shows, cooking, Manga, novels, weird YouTubers, and in general I can be loud and crazy but I tend to be quiet around people because most people can't handle this part of me. (Hence why I have three friends that I've had for the longest time, and am only super talkative with my family.) So I hid my passions out of embarrassments to fit in. To be blunt, that was sucky of me. 

And secondly, I put them off for "more important things". Homework, work, and commitments are important, don't get me wrong. But always putting them first and never making time for what I love? What's the point of all that if I'm not keeping myself happy and motivated? I put myself down a lot tis semester. Regarding my body, my grades, my projects, and living in Korea in general. I thought I was just ugly, fat, and didn't deserve to be in my major. Guess what? That was also dumb of me to say. Why would I be somewhere unless I was supposed to be? I love my classes (mostly haha), I was fine with how I looked before, and really I don't care about a letter on a fancy paper. My friends and family and boyfriend all love me how I am, why didn't I like myself? I just let myself get sad and when I'm sad I'm a downer, mainly to myself. 

So why am I writing all this? Who knows, maybe because I simply miss writing and this is what was on my mind. But the point is that I feel like myself again now. I painted my nails, did my makeup, wore what I wanted, and blasted my K-Pop and sang along unashamed. And I feel better for it. I feel better reading books, I feel better posting photos of my nails, and I feel better writing about this stuff and anything else I want. I feel so happy in general, and I feel like that little void is filled and satisfied now. I know that I need to do the little things because that's what keeps me going. 

So what's my challenge to you? You can work hard, give other people a chance to plan, and have priorities. But don't lose yourself, and keep up with the things that make you happy. Otherwise a twinge of unhappiness may follow you around. 

Some people may think this is lame, some people may get upset when reading this for some reason. But whatever. Because I've been bottling up how I've felt for too long and I need let me be myself. I want to be that bright girl I was a year ago, and I look forward to restarting my year with the same optimism. Here's hoping it'll last this time, and that I won't forget who I am and what I love and what gives that extra spark to my life. 

Refining the faith, 

-C.A.M. 


(Image Source: http://blogs.sun-sentinel.com/crime-and-safety/2011/12/)

Flaws

Recently I took a simple photo of myself. Nothing too out of the ordinary to a regular internet dweller. You see the side of my face, and part of my legs. People can think whatever they want about why I took and posted this photo, but I wanted to write about the true reason why I did it. 

By now you may have noticed that I tend to put a lot of thought into pretty much everything that I do. I don't do many things on a whim, because I'm an introvert. That is, I process things internally. Whenever I'm quiet that just means that I'm thinking. It doesn't mean I'm upset, happy, or sad; it just means that I'm thinking about something. It could be super deep, or it could just be about what I want to wear tomorrow. Who knows? 

Anyways, my point is that I was thinking alone in my room yesterday about myself. Specifically, the two things that I do not like about myself the most. Those two things were simple, and there are probably a lot of women out there who think this way as well. (Note: I don't think there's anything wrong with growth or wanting to change ourselves in general. It's the motives that count. If it's out of pride or for another person, or society as a whole, it's not worth it. If you want to be healthy or become a more Christlike person for yourself, or to glorify God, I see no fault in that. It's the motives that count. Before changing yourself, ask, "Why am I really doing this?") 

1. I don't like to show my legs. 

Some people say that it's modesty, and that's the reason I don't ever show my legs. I don't wear shirts or dresses without leggings very often, and I have not worn shorts outside of my house/room for about 1 1/2 - 2 years. Yea. When I lived on a campus with a strict, modest, dress code, I still wore shorts. So it's not so much about "being modest and not showing off skin" as it is being self-conscience. I recently moved to Korea and pretty much everyone on campus, and around, is thinner than I am. That's a simple fact- it's genetics! I'm not saying that there's something wrong either way, I'm saying that personally I found it difficult to be around what I consider to be a lot of beautiful people. When you go to college there's a lot of stress, and besides getting good grades we deal with the stress of relationships, of fitting in. A week after getting here I though, 

"Everyone on this campus is so beautiful, except for me." 

I remember thinking this back in 2010 though. When I first moved to Texas for the Teen Mania Internship, I thought the exact same thing. I compared myself to every single person that walked past me every single day. I didn't even want to leave my room at times because I was so scared of what other people might think of me. I didn't look people in the eyes and was timid and awkward. After a year of these emotions, I finally put it all aside and grew in confidence. But lately that confidence died off, and I've been going through the same struggle all over again. The emotions of my past, which I thought I had under control, all have come speeding back towards me these past few months. So why don't I wear shorts? Because I'm scared of being compared with the other girls who are also wearing shorts. It's easier for me to put on the same pair of jeans every day and just cover up my insecurities than to deal with them. 

2. I don't like my face from a side angle.
Maybe this is a bit specific, but it's true. When people take a picture of me from my profile, I usually hate it. I don't even want to look, because I simply do not like it. I can't really say why, it's just that I don't like the sides of my face. And that's the truth. Any photo taken of me from the side is promptly removed from my sight.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I've been feeling this way again. The answer was to simple and it was staring me in the face, but I chose to ignore it out of pride. I have been drifting away from God, from reading the Bible and spending time with my Father. I cut off the source of my joy, peace, and confidence and the result was feeling lonely, depressed, and having low self-esteem. I stopped identifying myself as a child of God, as someone precious and loved. Once I lost sight of who I was, I was completely open to believe lies about myself. But I realized this fact during this past week, and confronted it. I'm not too awkward or shy to have friends. I'm not ugly. I'm not alone or abandoned. And I'm realizing this again.
It's difficult to admit these things about ourselves, but really it's only through talking (or in my case, typing) about these things that we are able to heal. So I took a photo that had both my legs, and a side profile, and I uploaded it. I looked at it. I didn't post it to fish for compliments, hoping that people would say "Wow, great! You're so pretty!" I did it for myself, to get out of my comfort zone and stare my "flaws" in the face. I posted it to say "This is who I am. I accept myself, even if society doesn't, exactly the way I am right now." I did it to accept myself, not so others could say that they accept me. So I look at this photo and I think about these verses. 

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14

"You are altogether beautiful, my darling, And there is no blemish in you." -Song of Songs 4:7 

It takes time to heal and to build back up something that has been broken. It's not a painless, simple, or easy process. But I'm taking the steps that I need to in order to be happy with how I was created. So I have a challenge for you, the person who is reading this. I haven't done a challenge in a long time, but I figured, why not? 

Take a picture of what you're insecure about. Anything, your eyes, legs, mouth, arms, etc. 
Then take that photo and look at it. But try to see it in a different light. Look at it and say "I am fearfully (beautifully) and wonderfully made." Accept those things as a part of who you are, and grow to love them. It's difficult, I know. But I feel that this is a healing process that we can grow from together. Just remember that every part of you, down to the atoms and quarks, was hand crafted. It's beautiful and special because the person who made you says so. Believe in the person you are, and don't let the things about you that are "different" be considered unacceptable. "There is no blemish in you" Your very existence is wonderful and amazing, so realize that. Love your differences, and embrace your "flaws". I'm trying my best, so I would love it if you joined me.   

Refining the faith, 
-C.A.M. 

This Is My Prayer in the Desert

There has been a song constantly on replay in my mind lately. After hearing it, I felt something stir up within me as if the song was meant to be played for me at this moment. If you don't know this song, I really recommend that you listen to it. The song is "Desert Song" by Hillsong United. I'm also going to post the lyrics because they are the most important part!

VERSE 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all thats within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

VERSE 2:
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS:
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

VERSE 3:
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise Ill stand

BRIDGE:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

VERSE 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know Im filled to be emptied again
The seed Ive received I will sow

The season that I'm in right now is of trial. When my faith is being shaken, and even those around me seem to be faltering. When I say that Korea is going to happen, that the tuition will be paid a lot of people move to Plan B. Can you go next time? Can you do something else? Maybe it won't happen. Maybe it's not the right timing yet. While there are still strong people in my life encouraging me, there are those that make me feel nervous. I have to rely on God to be my strength, and not the words of other people. Because while the Church is a support system, your fellowship, and your family, they still aren't God. They aren't perfect. You cannot put all your trust and reliance on people, no matter hoy godly they are.

"Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save." -Psalm 146:3

"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans." -Psalm 118:8

When I was a teenager I would read this verse as, "Don't trust people. Only trust God." But that isn't the point of the verse. (In my current opinion, that is.) I thought that not trusting anyone was the right thing to do, because I had trust issues at the time. But when I read the verse now I read it as, "Don't put all your faith, hope, and trust in humans. Don't rely on them alone to support and provide for you. Don't rely on the Government to provide for your needs. Put your trust in God because He is the mightiest. He is your Father and provider and the one you can fully lean on. He does not falter, hold grudges, fail, or lie. Why should you put your faith in Man, who is full of fault and imperfect, when you can place your faith in God, who is perfect?"

It's not so much about how terrible and untrustworthy people are, but about how perfect and powerful God is! How can we compare to Him? If you have a choice to go to the King for help, or go to a peasant, who would you choose? If you could ask someone for favor or for money, would you ask the poor man or the rich man? It seems like an obvious choice when you think about it. But since we can physically see the people in our life we are inclined to trust them first. While we, as the Body of Christ, are still to love, support, help, and provide for each other, we should be second, not first. God should always be #1 in everything. Because He is naturally the better choice. It's about convincing our mind that our invisible Father is more trustworthy and reliable than the humans we can see. I've had a hard time with that. I think, "How is this going to be possible? How can I get the money I need in a month?" But it's not really me getting the money, it's God. If I ask, "How can my omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent, and eternal God get $10,000?" That would sound pretty ridiculous! God has provided for me in the past. Not to this amount and extent, yet, but He has! I paid off an internship that was about $8,000 over the course of a year. I went from nearly being financially dismissed to having it all paid off within a day! The funds came from people, but the provision was from God. I have to remind myself of that day, in the right way. Not in the, "Well, it took longer for less money last time!" kind of way. Instead I try to think of it as, "God came through before and He will now."

It's terrifying to have the fate of the next four years of your life being determined by one day. Making one deadline is what determines what I'll be doing the next few years, and maybe even the course of my life in general. It's terrifying. The important thing in this time is to have faith. Sometimes God will call you to a Nation. You'll suddenly have a deep love and appreciation for the culture and people of that Country. After that, all you want to do is go there, with all of your being. It's an unquenchable desire to be with those people, that only you can fully understand and comprehend.  Then He tells you to wait. You have to learn more about your ministry, yourself, and those people before you can go there. The timing isn't the same as yours most of the time, and you sit there every day in practical pain from the longing to leave. Yet you are called to wait.  Once that wait is over the joy is unexplainable and you cannot fully express it. It's the greatest feeling in the world to know that you are finally able to go. It's a struggle that can be over a month or several years, but it's worth it in the end. And when you know that you know it's time to go, God gives you the faith to know it's going to happen. What others say doesn't matter anymore and you are being led by faith and not by sight to your calling. Many things can come to cause you pain or discourage you, but it's your job to stay strong. It's beautiful, challenging, and amazing. I am realizing that I am blessed to be going through this refining process right now.

I have waited to apply to a College for about 4 years now. Good things come with time, right? (Sometimes I feel awkward starting College when I'm 20, but I need to not be ashamed or embarrassed about it.) Nothing felt right, so I gave it to God and chose to wait instead of randomly selecting a school and major. I finally found the place that seemed right, it was perfect, and I had peace about my choice. In fact, everyone did! I chose the major I wanted, and my passion for Korea and Design grows daily. I got my acceptance letter, and later that night I received a packet telling me how much money I needed. My joy was slowly being stolen and replaced with anxiety and fear. My face broke out with all kinds of acne, I felt tired, irate, my hair got oily, and I started to even feel a bit sick. The stress was getting to me in all the wrong ways, and I've been a mess these past couple weeks. But within the storm there's a calming, internal voice. I can feel the Spirit of God telling me, "Have peace. I will provide." I'm not perfect, so I will admit that some days I have utmost peace and others I freak out. In my spirit I know that God wants to provide and send me to this country. This is the first time that I have felt this for a Nation. I know that I know, it's just something placed within me that says: "THIS IS RIGHT." I have had so many opportunities that I turned down, and this is the first one that I felt God say, "Go ahead." Why would God place these things in my heart if He was going to take it away and say "Just kidding!" He placed these desires within me for a reason, and after years of waiting to leave the Country this is the time to do it.

God is also using this time to refine me. It's a phrase that I use a lot, hence the Blog title! To refine means to; "reduce to a pure state, remove by purifying, and to free from course, unsuitable, or immoral characteristics." And to be refined means "to become free from impurities." That sounds a lot like God, right? It's a deep emotional and spiritual process. All of your junk has to come to the surface so it can be removed. Before something can be properly used, it must be pure and clean. This preparation for Korea goes far beyond Visas and tuition payments, it's also Spiritual preparation. I have had Spiritual Warfare going on to the max! Issues I thought were long gone resurfaced so I could permanently defeat them. I'm emotionally, physically, and spiritually stretched to my limit. When I was in E.S.O.A.L they called it "Hitting B.A.R". B.A.R means "Burial and Resurrection." It's when your strength is gone and you can only go on by relying on the strength of God. You have died to yourself, and are resurrected with Christ. (Col. 3:1-4) 

I feel like I'm going through B.A.R again. I'm in battle, being refined in the fire, and feeling dry like I'm in the desert, as the song says. But it also says, "All of my life in every season. You are still God I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship." I woke up the other day and just looked in the mirror. I thought, "Wow. God made me. My voice and facial expressions. My body, soul, and spirit. He made everything around me, and everyone I know. I woke up today. I'm alive. I'm breathing. I'm healthy. Thank you so much God." He is still God, no matter what season I'm in. If it's the desert, the fire, the battle, or the soon to come harvest. He is still God. And he will help me through the tough parts to reap all I have sown. He is the God who provides and I can stand on that promise. It's so terrifying, exciting, and difficult in my life right now. Yet I will bring praise and no weapon, physical or spiritual, shall remain. I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ, and that's amazing! And when God comes through and provides, I can tell everyone what He has done for me! I didn't get the money from the Government with grants or aid, but from God's provision. 

GOD is my scholarship fund. 

I hope that this inspires someone out there. I know how it feels to be scared, to feel dry and alone, and to be desperate. I understand that feeling. But I am growing each day in faith and trust in God. I am being refined and stretched for a reason. This difficult time is going to help not only myself, but others in the future. And I am glad that I am going through these tough times, because I will find God in the desert. It's when we have run out of earthly water than Heaven rains down what we need. 

Refining the faith, 

-C.A.M. 

The College Adventure of a Lifetime!

Hello everyone!

I have some great news! After years of working at it and waiting on the Lords timing, I have a chance to move to South Korea! I have wanted to live there, study there, and minister there for years now and I am so excited to have an opportunity to see that through! I've been accepted to study at Yonsei Underwood International College, starting in Fall 2013!

Of course, this means something else as well. I have to come up with the money to pay for it.
Basically I need $10,000 by July 1st. I can't get any Federal Aid because the college is not in the USA. While I'm working and saving up as much as I can, I would still need help to come up with that much is so little time.

This really is a trial for me, and a chance for me to grow my faith. God has provided for me at the last moment, and even before the last moment, in the past. Sometimes with $5, others with $60, and even with hundreds of dollars as well. I know that God is my Abba and my Scholarship Fund, and He will provide. I've waited for the right opportunity and the right timing and I have peace at this time. There are days I have to fight back worry and stress, but God is my comfort and my support.

This post is mainly for my friends and family. (Though I'm not saying I only want support from them.) There have been people who told me that they want to help, and to give so I can attend College. So, I am posting a Donation button with this so that anyone who wants to help me save the money has a way that they can help. Every little bit helps and anyone who wants to give is welcome to.

I am also designing shirts and cards to sell to raise the money as well. This is so people who want to give a little, or even more than what I'm selling things for, can give any amount they please. I appreciate every penny more than I could express. Every cent and every dollar brings be closer to my life dreams and goals.

Also, all and any prayer and fasting is also very appreciated.

Thank you for reading and God bless you,
-C.A.M

(Note: This is NOT tax deductible or for a Non-Profit. It's simply a way to electronically transfer money to help me fundraise in an easier way. All the money will be used for College tuition payments and miscellaneous costs from/for the School.)

The Pursuit of Happiness

From the first of many adventures to come (I certainly hope)

To my Future Husband,

Hey there. I suppose we haven't met yet, but I am so excited to meet you. I have no doubt in my mind that you are an amazing person, that suits me in every way. That we share the same passions for music, worship, service, art, animals, and nerdy things. But I still haven't met you. I've had dreams about you since I was younger, and I know that you are out there somewhere, but I just don't know where quite yet. And I have no doubt in my mind that I will know just who you are when we do meet.

I imagine what it would be like to have someone like you in my life, and it makes me so happy already. Just the thought of being with you someday brings me so much joy. But, is it possible to miss a person you've never met? There are days when I wish you were here with me already. The days that I'm crying, discouraged, or afraid, and just need my best friend and companion to be by my side. I also wonder if you ever think about me. If I look anything like you thought I would, and if you'll know me when we meet. There are so many things that I don't know yet, but there are a few that I know for sure.

I know that you are probably a better person than I have ever imagined. That God is going to go beyond my expectations when it come to you. That you will be the most caring and loving person, and that I will be drawn to you in more ways than one. That you'll have the Fruit of the Spirit, and the aspects of Love. That you'll be a spiritual leader and protecter, someone I can look up to and proudly call "My Husband" and "The Head of the house". That you will respect me more than other men in my life have, and in turn I'll be able to submit whole heartedly to you out of love and respect. And that no matter how hard things may get, you will be there for me in laughter and in tears.

The hard thing is that, right now, I'm still not with you. I try to be patient, knowing that it's going to pay off. I'm not going after any other man who I know isn't you. I'm not going to settle or give away my heart to someone else because I can't hold on a bit longer. But I am sad. I do miss a person that I've never met. And I'm trying not to be discouraged in the meantime. Regardless, I'm going to be strong. Because I know that patience will pay off in the end. "So now I'll patiently wait, until you come my way." And I'm going to do the best that I can to become a Woman of God who can stand by your side.

-C.A.M



I'm being open and transparent right now, because I feel that it's important. I get scared. When people talk about how the world may end tomorrow, and that we all may be dead in a couple months because of the latest scare, I get scared. I try so hard to not fear death, that it has no victory or sting. (1 Cor. 15:55) And I do want Christ to come back for his Bride, and to be with Him eternally. I don't have issues with His return, but when people focus more on the terror and tragedy of the last days than the coming of Christ, I get scared. People tell me all the time that I shouldn't be, as if I should feel loathsome because I'm not as welcoming for death as others. But isn't it easy to welcome death and Heaven when you're old, married, have children, maybe even grandchildren, and have already lived out your life? When you're a 20 year old girl who hasn't met God's match for her, hasn't traveled anywhere yet, and feels like there's so much to accomplish and hope for, it's not so easy. When people tell me that being married or having kids isn't as important in the eternal perspective of things, I get sad. I've spent hours of my life weeping because people told me that the world would end soon. Because while they saw it as "Finally, we can go Home", my mind went to, "I won't be able to get married or have children in my lifetime." And that's a painful thing to think! It's easy to say that it doesn't matter in the long run when you're already married with children. But what about the perspective of young people who hear about how life is going to end in a few months? It's difficult not to be discouraged. "Why even bother working to get that plane ticket to travel, if the world ends soon anyways?"

I'm still working through those emotions. But God is helping me through them, and teaching me peace and patience. I know that the person that is perfect for me is still out there. I want to at least meet him before the clock on this earth starts ticking away faster. And the words of others start getting twisted in my mind to form types of lies to keep me down and depressed. "Why even bother working to get that plane ticket to travel, if the world ends soon anyways?" Those words have echoed in my mind for the past week especially, and also throughout my life. Why should I try to go for the dreams that God placed in my heart during my quiet moment with Him, if everything is going to end? But I came to realize something.

God wouldn't have placed those dreams in my heart just to hurt me because they're impossible.
The dreams, hopes, and goals that are imbedded into your being, from before you were born, are there for a reason. Not to taunt you, or give you something unobtainable. What purpose would He have for that? God loves you, and He loves me, why would He want to hurt us by giving us a dream only to make it impossible? Sometimes people will tell me, "Those dreams of traveling, marriage, and becoming a writer are all just fleshly, and you should let go of them!" Because my dream wasn't to go to a third world country and become a full time missionary, does that mean it's not from God? I struggled with that so much for years! I kept asking God, "What is it you REALLY want me to do?" Until He just told me, "Why are you asking that? You already know what it is, and you have for years." I was trying to get "the right" goals and dreams, but I already had them tailor made for me. We each have a purpose different from others, and are called for different things and have different gifts. (1 Cor. 7:20, Romans 12:3-8)
Also, there is nothing wrong with hoping for a godly companion, as long as those emotions don't consume or control you. It doesn't mean you love God or Christ any less, because it was built into us from the beginning. We are the Bride of Christ, but Jesus isn't our physical or earthly husband, no matter what your Facebook may say. But once again, you just can't let your want for a human companion overwhelm you or get out of hand, but don't rebuke those feelings like they shouldn't be there. If you ask God to take away the want for a Mate that He designed into you, the answer is no. You can however take control of those emotions and not let them take over.

So what am I really trying to get at here with all this talk about the things that I want, ie. to travel and have someone I love in my life? God is teaching me not to be afraid of the future or what may happen. Regardless of what happens in the world of politics, God is true to his word. (Num. 23:19) If He tells you He is going to do something, or have you do something, you better believe that it's going to happen. And it takes Faith in Him to know that God is going to do what He said He's going to do. It's not just my future that I'm spewing about, but yours too! Whatever He placed in your heart will happen, and it will probably happen in an even greater way than you imagined! It is so easy to let the words of others or the lies of the Enemy to tell you otherwise. That, "You won't amount to anything and your dreams will all die, life is just pointless." Those are simply lies to get you away from Gods Divine plan for your life.
As I write this I'm trying to get my heart to fully understand what my mind already knows. That there is no need to worry about out life because God is taking care of us. (Matthew 6: 25-34) He will take us Home when it's our time, so don't worry about things being "cut short" or "wasting you life because it doesn't matter in the end". Because the World is like our internship or bootcamp before Heaven, and there's nothing wrong in trying to make the most of your life and having it count for eternity. There's a difference between loving the World and wanting to make in impact for Christ in the World. It's not about wanting things to last because the world is so much better than Heaven or being with Christ, it's about wanting to do something for the Kingdom before you go there. I see absolutely nothing wrong with doing that. My greatest worry is that I won't have time to impact as many souls as possible before I leave the Earth, but God is working on me when it comes to that. He will take me when it's time, and I need to have peace about that.

What does that mean for now? To me it means Make the most out of the time you have been given, without worrying when that time will end. I'm not saying we shouldn't prepare ourselves for the Return of Christ, but that we should already be living in a way that honor God, that isn't dependent on when the plagues will be here. Each day should be lived in such a way that we will have no regrets when it's over, and I mean that it the spiritual sense not in the YOLO sense. The way to prepare is by reading the Word of God and spending time with Him daily and using your gifts to expand the Kingdom of Heaven. "Preparation" should just be daily life of quiet times and moments with God, and fulfilling the plans He has for you.

God wants you to have a good life. We are allowed to enjoy life. It is alright for us to prosper. God wants us to have a good life. I know some people say that this verse is "taken out of context", but I can't completely agree. Because when God speaks to His people, and we are drafted in as His people, I don't like it when people read those blessings and promises and say, "It's not for me". You are Gods child, you can have blessings and promises too.

"'For I know that plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12

If you don't think that's a good verse to use, then there is this one as well.

"The thief comes only the steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

You can also use the phrase, "Abundant life". Which is defined by being "Plentiful, Abounding with, rich with-" It means that when you are saved, Christ is also giving you an abundant life, because now you truly are alive. Wealth and power aren't everything, now in the slightest. But guess what, God wants you to be happy! We are called to be content with what we are given, (Heb. 13:5) and that to know God is the have joy (Psalm 16:11) . Instead of being afraid of a terrible life full of fear, regret, and no worth, be happy in the knowledge that God wants you to have an abundant life. That you were made with a reason, and you can accomplish that reason. I've been so afraid that I won't get to do anything before leaving this Earth, but I am starting it fully realize that it isn't true. God will use me, if I let Him, and I will have a good life. And instead of worrying about what may happen tomorrow, I just need to focus on the tasks I have been given and charge forward.
Do I still hope to meet my future husband? Yes. Do I still want to travel and write? Yes. But if I commit those things to God I don't need to freak out about if they will really happen or not! (Proverbs 16:2-4) I need to trust that what is supposed to happen will happen, and when I give things to God He will make them work out in the proper way. (Proverbs 3:5-6) I find peace and assurance in the Bible and in Prayer and Worship, and if I can focus on that, things will be alright.

I hope this jumbled post of my thoughts made sense. Even better, I hope that God used my insecurities and struggles to help you work through your own. As a young adult I understand the pressure and stress of "doing something great", I get it! But I learned that I need to take a breather (inhale-exhale, inhale-exhale) and just rest in the knowledge that God has it covered. If I put my Faith in Him, He is going to take care of me. This isn't supposed to be a discouraging post to make you worry about the future, but something to reassure you that it's going to be okay, more than okay. That my fears, and those were only a few of them, were calmed by God. And that your fears can be put to rest as well, once you lay down the burden and just let you Abba Father take care of you. (Psalm 55:22)


Refining the Faith,
-C.A.M

Fight the Good Fight

Our battle is against the Invisible world around us - unseen by our physical eyes

Wow, it's been too long since I wrote in this blog. I'll be honest and say that I've neglected keeping up with it, and favored other projects of mine instead. But after a long internal battle, that took several months out of my year, I'm back to my old self and ready to learn and share again! I may write a separate post altogether about what happened to me recently that caused both heartache and growth, but for now I wanted to speak my mind on something that's been stirring in my heart.

 After watching The Hobbit, and subsequently having a Lord of the Rings marathon, I thought a lot about War. Specifically "Spiritual Warfare", as a lot of Christians like to say. I've been taking a course at my Church lately about Spiritual affairs for Women, more or less. And you learn that it's not exactly the right phrase because the War was already won on the Cross (Thank you, Lord Jesus!) and what we do now is more "Spiritual Maintenance" or "Upkeep" than anything. We aren't trying to win a War, because it's already been won. But even though the enemy has been defeated, there are still daily battles that we encounter, from the soldiers from the other side and also our own flesh. (1 Cor. 15:55-57)

I suppose it's difficult to phrase it the way I want in text, but what I mean is that while we are still fighting the enemy today, the Enemy has already been defeated. We are still fighting battles, but the War is already decided. We have the benefit of fighting an Enemy that has already lost. So, there is nothing to fear. What we need to do now is fight for our Salvation, to strive to be more like Christ, our Rabbi, and to fight for others who cannot fight for themselves. If the War was already won, why should we even have to fight? Because we still live on the Earth, which is under Satan's rule. When you are inside of the Enemies camp, doesn't it make sense that you will have skirmishes with them? After all, we are not of this world (John 17:16). And until the day that Christ comes back we are "holding the fort" in ways, against the Principalities, Powers, and Spiritual Forces of the Heavenly Realms. (Eph. 6:12)

I hope I haven't confused you by any of this introduction, but my main point is that we are doing battle with powers not of this world, that is still a fact. But we have a God who is infinitely more powerful than them, and Christ is already the victor. Yet, until He comes back, we are still in the Enemies Land, and need to set captives free (Isa. 61:1) and continue to work out our Salvation (Phil. 2:12). It should be obvious that Satan and those with him aren't fond of us doing that. So when we are attacked, or those we care for are attacked, we need to be prepared to fight back. Now I can get to the main point that has been on my mind.

Put on the FULL Armor of God.

"Finally, be strong in The Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take a stand against the devil's schemes." Ephesians 6:10-11 (NIV)

This verse sums up what I was saying before. We put on the armor so that we can "take a stand against the devil's schemes". He schemes are summed up very simply, he wants to kill, steal, and destroy. (John 10:10) To steal your heart's response to God, to destroy your salvation, to keep you spiritually dead and numb, steal your talents and God given gifts, and to overall ruin your life (spiritual as well as physical) to get to your Abba Daddy, and hurt Him that way. Something that Christians need to take to heart and fully realize is that Satan hates you, and everything about you. There is no good in him, there is no "grey area", he hates Humans because we are in the image of God, and he hates The Body of Christ especially! It is not a battle that can be won peacefully where the Enemy will change their mind about you and decide to leave you alone out of the kindness of their heart. They want you dead in every possible way, so you are taking a stand against that and saying "No, I am alive in Christ, and You cannot steal my Joy, or my response to God." We submit to God, and resist the Devil, and then he will flee from you. (James 4:7)

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12 (NIV)

Let's get this straight. We are not battling people who are Gay, our President, the people who bullied us in school, that mean neighbor that we have, the protesters that come outside of events and churches, or anyone else who is Flesh or Blood! Instead of posting things on Facebook all day, we need to be praying, fasting, and reading the Word of God to fight against the REAL enemy, not the distractions of this world. (Luke 6:32-36) God loved us while we were Sinners, and we are called to love others as He loves us, so shouldn't we love Non-Believers as well? (John 13:34-35, Romans 5:8) If we can't love people who are "perfect" or who "believe everything we do" and "act the right way", how does that make us any different than other people? Instead of focusing your hatred of Sin on other people, focus it in your Spiritual life, and fight the battle there. Instead of fighting the captives, shouldn't we fight the captors instead, and strive to set them free? The photo at the top is from my trip to Seattle, and the prayer I did there was against the unseen Enemy that was all around me. Our battle is in cities and towns, but not necessarily against the people who live there. 

"Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." Ephesians 6:13 (NIV)

The Message version says, "So that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet."
If you want to last in battle you need to be prepared and protected, otherwise you won't last very long. You want to withstand as long as you possibly can, and for every piece of armor you neglect, you will last that much shorter. The Word doesn't say, "Put on some of the armor. The pieces that aren't too heavy, that are easy to keep with you, and don't inconvenience your day. Even if you just have one piece, you'll be fine." It says "FULL armor" for a reason, because every piece of The Armor of God is necessary.

"Stand firm then, with the Belt of Truth buckled around your waist, with the Breastplate of Righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from The Gospel of Peace. In addition to all of this, take up the Shield of Faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the Helmet of Salvation and the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God." Ephesians 6:14-17

As you read The Word, you realize that many aspects that we are called to have are repeated in several different ways. The Fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23), Aspects of Love (1 Cor. 13:1-13), and Armor of God share a lot of qualities. Truth, peace, righteousness, faith, etc. They must be important if they are mentioned over and over again.
We should have Truth wrapped around us and fastened tight. Righteousness should be right at the front, protecting our Heart. We should have the Gospel of Peace at our feet (Romans 10:15/Isaiah 52:7), walking in it and spreading it wherever we go. Faith is our guard against the Arrows/Darts and Lies of the enemy. We have Faith out before they can even get to the rest of our Armor, because if you have strong Faith they cannot even reach you. We have Salvation covering our Heads, as if an anointing that protects us. (Eccl. 9:8, Matt. 6:17) If protects our thoughts and is always on our Mind. Finally, we fight with the Sword that is of the Spirit. A Bible, as in the book that is full of paper and bound together, doesn't look to dangerous in the Physical world. But in the Spiritual world it is a dangerous weapon that can be used against Enemies in that realm, and helps aid Angels and Servants of The Lord as well. (Heb. 4:12)  It is the most powerful weapon that we own, which is why Believers around the world are so desperate to have it, and memorize it so that they can always have it. Because the Bible is more than just a physical item, it's the Words that are powerful, not the paper. It should be in our minds, on our lips, written on our heart, and at our fingertips, safety off, and ready to use. (Josh. 1:8, Psalm 119:1, Deut. 11:18, Psalm 40:8)

Notice something else, there is no "Back-piece" listed. Why don't we protect our backs, if everything else is covered?
1. Because The Body of Christ should watch each other's backs. (1 Cor. 12:25)
2. Foremost, because God is our Rearguard. (Isaiah 58:8)

Some people say it is because we are to never flee, that we are to always be fighting and that is why our back is open. As if God didn't protect our backs to "teach us a lesson". In actuality, we need to take rest from battle. A benefit of being in a Body of Believers is that there are many of us. In an Army people takes shifts when fighting or standing guard/watch, and rest between fights. If even God rested on the seventh day, who are we to think that we never need rest?
God is our Rearguard, so that when we need to recharge and rest from the Battle, He is keeping us safe from the enemy. Our back is never really "open", it is just protected in a way that we don't "activate" because it is always guarded. If we don't take time to work on ourselves, we will get burnt out. Many ministries fail because the people in them never take time for their own souls, to rest in the Lord and find peace for a while in the midst of a battle. (Matt. 11:28-30, 2 Thess. 3:16, Eccl. 3:1-13, Psalm 62:5)
But we also cannot spend the whole battle resting. We have armor for a reason. Soldiers have armor to fight. Why would we need Armor if we weren't Soldiers? (2 Tim. 2:3)  We need to learn balance between fighting and resting. We are called to "Fight the good fight" (1 Tim. 6:12, 2 Tim. 4:7), so why don't we get to it?

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all of The Lords people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the Gospel." Ephesians 6:18-19

I really dislike the phrase, "Put down your sword and love and pray for people instead". Why would we need to drop our weapons to pray for others? I would think that we should keep The Sword of the Spirit close when praying for others. That is what "Spiritual Warfare" really is, it's protecting ourself and fighting for ourself and others. We should never surrender our weapons or armor, putting it down only makes us weaker, it doesn't make us more or less loving to others. We need to pick up our swords again, not lay them down. We are not timid, but powerful in Christ. (2 Tim. 1:7)

This verse is connected with The Armor of God. "And pray", "Also pray","Pray as well", not "instead of doing that, pray instead at times". "With this in mind", keep the fact that you need the FULL Armor on in mind while reading this verse. While you have on your Armor, pray for all occasions, for all kinds of prayers and requests, and for all people. This is the Battlefield. Pray for the Missionaries to be able to bring the Gospel to others, and pray for the Body to be strong. Pray for healing, blessings, peace, salvation, pray for everything. Out battle is not against Flesh and Blood, but there is still a battle. So dust off your Sword, equip yourself, and join the other Soldiers. We have Armor because we are Soldiers, not because we are bystanders.

Something clicked in me and I really understood what it meant to put on the Armor. It's not as much as a responsibility as it is an Honor to fight for Our King and Savior. You have to pick a side, and once you choose it's time to suit up. Take breaks at times to build your strength, but don't forget to use that strength. And pray continuously (1 Thess. 5:16-18) with The Word, and work out the dents in your Armor, making it stronger whenever you can, so you can fight more intense battles over time. Just as if you were in a physical war, prepare, study the enemy, learn their weaknesses, learn your own and work them out, and always report to the Commander.

I'm putting on my Armor now, because I am tired of sitting scared on the sidelines. What do you say? Will you put on yours as well? If so, I'll see you on the Battlefield.

Refining the Faith,
-C.A.M.