Regaining My Spark

I'll be frank, lately I haven't been doing so well. You see, I moved to Korea, got into the Major I wanted, starting dating someone who cares for me more than I could imagine, and in general got "everything I wanted". Okay, so why was I not feeling so hot then? We tend to think of our lives in reference to the future, that if we get that one thing we'll be happier than we are. Well guess what? I was. I was so happy, but slowly something didn't feel right. I started to lose confidence in myself, and all the things that I loved I stopped doing. Things were routine in a way. I'm not complaining, at least I'm trying not to, but even though I was happy I didn't feel quite like "Myself".

I put off the things that I loved doing, I backed away from my hobbies, and I found myself a little empty in return... And now I realize that it really is about the little things. The things we do on a daily basis to keep ourselves uplifted. We prioritize what others say are "the right things", but we lose ourselves in the process and end up being a miss-matched bunch of expectations from other people. I did everything that the Assistant Dean of my school told me to do to be "successful", so why did I feel like a failure all year? I constantly put others first, in a way that I ate what they wanted, did what they wanted, and basically lived how they wanted to. I like others to be happy, and there isn't anything wrong with that, but isn't my own happiness worth while as well? Only doing what others want deprives you of your "you-ness" (or, as they say in the latest Alice in Wonderland movie, "Muchness"). 

I often say "I feel like myself", and a lot of the time people retort with the joke, "Who did you feel like before then?" I get it, maybe not everyone understands this feeling. But to me this feeling comes and goes to be honest. There are times when I just feel..."Off", as in askew. Everything seems right, I'm healthy, and in general happy, yet something doesn't feel quite right. I don't feel like my usual self and this rut gets me really down. I was warned by several people when I moved to Korea that I shouldn't lose who I am, that I needed to be myself and not change to anyone else's standards. Sounded simple enough, and I thought to myself, "I'll never do something like that. I am who I am, I like who I am, why would I change?" Well guess what? I did. 

Surrounded by "stylish" and skinny Korean women all the time is tolling. Strangers shooting you dirty looks because of your skin and hair color is tiring. Being told you need to be smarter and socialize with certain people is aggravating. And most of all, giving up what you love to make someone else happy is demoralizing and exhausting. 

I needed to work so I spent my Saturday working, and Monday-Friday I had class (and other jobs and clubs, etc.), meaning Sunday was my "free day", free meaning homework day that is. What happened to going to Church and then lunch with my friends? What happened to painting my nails? Having fun with my makeup? Changing up my jewelry? Listening to new music? Reading novels? Drawing and writing? Going on adventures in the one country I've wanted to move to for years? Those things slowly disappeared, and I realized why I wasn't myself, really myself. All the little things that made up "me", that made up my happiness. This is no one else's fault, let me make that perfectly clear. I'm not blaming anyone, and I'm not discrediting the things I did do with people I know. I had a great time whenever I went out, regardless of who's plan it was. I'm mainly talking about the times I had alone and to myself that I just didn't do things to boost my energy levels. 

As an introvert especially, I need "recharge time", when I just spend time alone doing what I love so that I'm energetic about being with people again. Without this time I get extremely grumpy. But I put so many of my hobbies to the side for different reasons, and I'm just writing about the two biggest ones. 

Firstly, I was embarrassed. People teased me about posting my nail photos online, and so I stopped doing it. Even if people poke fun at me to be cute I feel exposed and I don't want to do it anymore. Some of my hobbies are nerdy or weird to others so I tried to hide them. It's stupid isn't it? I mean, we always say you should be with friends who like you for who you are, yet when it comes down to it we fear loneliness so much that we'll chicken out and downplay our passions. (Well, I have at least.) I LOVE Korean music. I have a blog for it, I had a YouTube channel dedicated to it, yet I downplayed it to make friends. Guess what? I love it. It's fun. It makes me happy. It's the reason I fell in love with Korea in the beginning. I also love nerdy TV shows, cooking, Manga, novels, weird YouTubers, and in general I can be loud and crazy but I tend to be quiet around people because most people can't handle this part of me. (Hence why I have three friends that I've had for the longest time, and am only super talkative with my family.) So I hid my passions out of embarrassments to fit in. To be blunt, that was sucky of me. 

And secondly, I put them off for "more important things". Homework, work, and commitments are important, don't get me wrong. But always putting them first and never making time for what I love? What's the point of all that if I'm not keeping myself happy and motivated? I put myself down a lot tis semester. Regarding my body, my grades, my projects, and living in Korea in general. I thought I was just ugly, fat, and didn't deserve to be in my major. Guess what? That was also dumb of me to say. Why would I be somewhere unless I was supposed to be? I love my classes (mostly haha), I was fine with how I looked before, and really I don't care about a letter on a fancy paper. My friends and family and boyfriend all love me how I am, why didn't I like myself? I just let myself get sad and when I'm sad I'm a downer, mainly to myself. 

So why am I writing all this? Who knows, maybe because I simply miss writing and this is what was on my mind. But the point is that I feel like myself again now. I painted my nails, did my makeup, wore what I wanted, and blasted my K-Pop and sang along unashamed. And I feel better for it. I feel better reading books, I feel better posting photos of my nails, and I feel better writing about this stuff and anything else I want. I feel so happy in general, and I feel like that little void is filled and satisfied now. I know that I need to do the little things because that's what keeps me going. 

So what's my challenge to you? You can work hard, give other people a chance to plan, and have priorities. But don't lose yourself, and keep up with the things that make you happy. Otherwise a twinge of unhappiness may follow you around. 

Some people may think this is lame, some people may get upset when reading this for some reason. But whatever. Because I've been bottling up how I've felt for too long and I need let me be myself. I want to be that bright girl I was a year ago, and I look forward to restarting my year with the same optimism. Here's hoping it'll last this time, and that I won't forget who I am and what I love and what gives that extra spark to my life. 

Refining the faith, 

-C.A.M. 


(Image Source: http://blogs.sun-sentinel.com/crime-and-safety/2011/12/)

Flaws

Recently I took a simple photo of myself. Nothing too out of the ordinary to a regular internet dweller. You see the side of my face, and part of my legs. People can think whatever they want about why I took and posted this photo, but I wanted to write about the true reason why I did it. 

By now you may have noticed that I tend to put a lot of thought into pretty much everything that I do. I don't do many things on a whim, because I'm an introvert. That is, I process things internally. Whenever I'm quiet that just means that I'm thinking. It doesn't mean I'm upset, happy, or sad; it just means that I'm thinking about something. It could be super deep, or it could just be about what I want to wear tomorrow. Who knows? 

Anyways, my point is that I was thinking alone in my room yesterday about myself. Specifically, the two things that I do not like about myself the most. Those two things were simple, and there are probably a lot of women out there who think this way as well. (Note: I don't think there's anything wrong with growth or wanting to change ourselves in general. It's the motives that count. If it's out of pride or for another person, or society as a whole, it's not worth it. If you want to be healthy or become a more Christlike person for yourself, or to glorify God, I see no fault in that. It's the motives that count. Before changing yourself, ask, "Why am I really doing this?") 

1. I don't like to show my legs. 

Some people say that it's modesty, and that's the reason I don't ever show my legs. I don't wear shirts or dresses without leggings very often, and I have not worn shorts outside of my house/room for about 1 1/2 - 2 years. Yea. When I lived on a campus with a strict, modest, dress code, I still wore shorts. So it's not so much about "being modest and not showing off skin" as it is being self-conscience. I recently moved to Korea and pretty much everyone on campus, and around, is thinner than I am. That's a simple fact- it's genetics! I'm not saying that there's something wrong either way, I'm saying that personally I found it difficult to be around what I consider to be a lot of beautiful people. When you go to college there's a lot of stress, and besides getting good grades we deal with the stress of relationships, of fitting in. A week after getting here I though, 

"Everyone on this campus is so beautiful, except for me." 

I remember thinking this back in 2010 though. When I first moved to Texas for the Teen Mania Internship, I thought the exact same thing. I compared myself to every single person that walked past me every single day. I didn't even want to leave my room at times because I was so scared of what other people might think of me. I didn't look people in the eyes and was timid and awkward. After a year of these emotions, I finally put it all aside and grew in confidence. But lately that confidence died off, and I've been going through the same struggle all over again. The emotions of my past, which I thought I had under control, all have come speeding back towards me these past few months. So why don't I wear shorts? Because I'm scared of being compared with the other girls who are also wearing shorts. It's easier for me to put on the same pair of jeans every day and just cover up my insecurities than to deal with them. 

2. I don't like my face from a side angle.
Maybe this is a bit specific, but it's true. When people take a picture of me from my profile, I usually hate it. I don't even want to look, because I simply do not like it. I can't really say why, it's just that I don't like the sides of my face. And that's the truth. Any photo taken of me from the side is promptly removed from my sight.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I've been feeling this way again. The answer was to simple and it was staring me in the face, but I chose to ignore it out of pride. I have been drifting away from God, from reading the Bible and spending time with my Father. I cut off the source of my joy, peace, and confidence and the result was feeling lonely, depressed, and having low self-esteem. I stopped identifying myself as a child of God, as someone precious and loved. Once I lost sight of who I was, I was completely open to believe lies about myself. But I realized this fact during this past week, and confronted it. I'm not too awkward or shy to have friends. I'm not ugly. I'm not alone or abandoned. And I'm realizing this again.
It's difficult to admit these things about ourselves, but really it's only through talking (or in my case, typing) about these things that we are able to heal. So I took a photo that had both my legs, and a side profile, and I uploaded it. I looked at it. I didn't post it to fish for compliments, hoping that people would say "Wow, great! You're so pretty!" I did it for myself, to get out of my comfort zone and stare my "flaws" in the face. I posted it to say "This is who I am. I accept myself, even if society doesn't, exactly the way I am right now." I did it to accept myself, not so others could say that they accept me. So I look at this photo and I think about these verses. 

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14

"You are altogether beautiful, my darling, And there is no blemish in you." -Song of Songs 4:7 

It takes time to heal and to build back up something that has been broken. It's not a painless, simple, or easy process. But I'm taking the steps that I need to in order to be happy with how I was created. So I have a challenge for you, the person who is reading this. I haven't done a challenge in a long time, but I figured, why not? 

Take a picture of what you're insecure about. Anything, your eyes, legs, mouth, arms, etc. 
Then take that photo and look at it. But try to see it in a different light. Look at it and say "I am fearfully (beautifully) and wonderfully made." Accept those things as a part of who you are, and grow to love them. It's difficult, I know. But I feel that this is a healing process that we can grow from together. Just remember that every part of you, down to the atoms and quarks, was hand crafted. It's beautiful and special because the person who made you says so. Believe in the person you are, and don't let the things about you that are "different" be considered unacceptable. "There is no blemish in you" Your very existence is wonderful and amazing, so realize that. Love your differences, and embrace your "flaws". I'm trying my best, so I would love it if you joined me.   

Refining the faith, 
-C.A.M. 

This Is My Prayer in the Desert

There has been a song constantly on replay in my mind lately. After hearing it, I felt something stir up within me as if the song was meant to be played for me at this moment. If you don't know this song, I really recommend that you listen to it. The song is "Desert Song" by Hillsong United. I'm also going to post the lyrics because they are the most important part!

VERSE 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all thats within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

VERSE 2:
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS:
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

VERSE 3:
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise Ill stand

BRIDGE:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

VERSE 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know Im filled to be emptied again
The seed Ive received I will sow

The season that I'm in right now is of trial. When my faith is being shaken, and even those around me seem to be faltering. When I say that Korea is going to happen, that the tuition will be paid a lot of people move to Plan B. Can you go next time? Can you do something else? Maybe it won't happen. Maybe it's not the right timing yet. While there are still strong people in my life encouraging me, there are those that make me feel nervous. I have to rely on God to be my strength, and not the words of other people. Because while the Church is a support system, your fellowship, and your family, they still aren't God. They aren't perfect. You cannot put all your trust and reliance on people, no matter hoy godly they are.

"Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save." -Psalm 146:3

"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans." -Psalm 118:8

When I was a teenager I would read this verse as, "Don't trust people. Only trust God." But that isn't the point of the verse. (In my current opinion, that is.) I thought that not trusting anyone was the right thing to do, because I had trust issues at the time. But when I read the verse now I read it as, "Don't put all your faith, hope, and trust in humans. Don't rely on them alone to support and provide for you. Don't rely on the Government to provide for your needs. Put your trust in God because He is the mightiest. He is your Father and provider and the one you can fully lean on. He does not falter, hold grudges, fail, or lie. Why should you put your faith in Man, who is full of fault and imperfect, when you can place your faith in God, who is perfect?"

It's not so much about how terrible and untrustworthy people are, but about how perfect and powerful God is! How can we compare to Him? If you have a choice to go to the King for help, or go to a peasant, who would you choose? If you could ask someone for favor or for money, would you ask the poor man or the rich man? It seems like an obvious choice when you think about it. But since we can physically see the people in our life we are inclined to trust them first. While we, as the Body of Christ, are still to love, support, help, and provide for each other, we should be second, not first. God should always be #1 in everything. Because He is naturally the better choice. It's about convincing our mind that our invisible Father is more trustworthy and reliable than the humans we can see. I've had a hard time with that. I think, "How is this going to be possible? How can I get the money I need in a month?" But it's not really me getting the money, it's God. If I ask, "How can my omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent, and eternal God get $10,000?" That would sound pretty ridiculous! God has provided for me in the past. Not to this amount and extent, yet, but He has! I paid off an internship that was about $8,000 over the course of a year. I went from nearly being financially dismissed to having it all paid off within a day! The funds came from people, but the provision was from God. I have to remind myself of that day, in the right way. Not in the, "Well, it took longer for less money last time!" kind of way. Instead I try to think of it as, "God came through before and He will now."

It's terrifying to have the fate of the next four years of your life being determined by one day. Making one deadline is what determines what I'll be doing the next few years, and maybe even the course of my life in general. It's terrifying. The important thing in this time is to have faith. Sometimes God will call you to a Nation. You'll suddenly have a deep love and appreciation for the culture and people of that Country. After that, all you want to do is go there, with all of your being. It's an unquenchable desire to be with those people, that only you can fully understand and comprehend.  Then He tells you to wait. You have to learn more about your ministry, yourself, and those people before you can go there. The timing isn't the same as yours most of the time, and you sit there every day in practical pain from the longing to leave. Yet you are called to wait.  Once that wait is over the joy is unexplainable and you cannot fully express it. It's the greatest feeling in the world to know that you are finally able to go. It's a struggle that can be over a month or several years, but it's worth it in the end. And when you know that you know it's time to go, God gives you the faith to know it's going to happen. What others say doesn't matter anymore and you are being led by faith and not by sight to your calling. Many things can come to cause you pain or discourage you, but it's your job to stay strong. It's beautiful, challenging, and amazing. I am realizing that I am blessed to be going through this refining process right now.

I have waited to apply to a College for about 4 years now. Good things come with time, right? (Sometimes I feel awkward starting College when I'm 20, but I need to not be ashamed or embarrassed about it.) Nothing felt right, so I gave it to God and chose to wait instead of randomly selecting a school and major. I finally found the place that seemed right, it was perfect, and I had peace about my choice. In fact, everyone did! I chose the major I wanted, and my passion for Korea and Design grows daily. I got my acceptance letter, and later that night I received a packet telling me how much money I needed. My joy was slowly being stolen and replaced with anxiety and fear. My face broke out with all kinds of acne, I felt tired, irate, my hair got oily, and I started to even feel a bit sick. The stress was getting to me in all the wrong ways, and I've been a mess these past couple weeks. But within the storm there's a calming, internal voice. I can feel the Spirit of God telling me, "Have peace. I will provide." I'm not perfect, so I will admit that some days I have utmost peace and others I freak out. In my spirit I know that God wants to provide and send me to this country. This is the first time that I have felt this for a Nation. I know that I know, it's just something placed within me that says: "THIS IS RIGHT." I have had so many opportunities that I turned down, and this is the first one that I felt God say, "Go ahead." Why would God place these things in my heart if He was going to take it away and say "Just kidding!" He placed these desires within me for a reason, and after years of waiting to leave the Country this is the time to do it.

God is also using this time to refine me. It's a phrase that I use a lot, hence the Blog title! To refine means to; "reduce to a pure state, remove by purifying, and to free from course, unsuitable, or immoral characteristics." And to be refined means "to become free from impurities." That sounds a lot like God, right? It's a deep emotional and spiritual process. All of your junk has to come to the surface so it can be removed. Before something can be properly used, it must be pure and clean. This preparation for Korea goes far beyond Visas and tuition payments, it's also Spiritual preparation. I have had Spiritual Warfare going on to the max! Issues I thought were long gone resurfaced so I could permanently defeat them. I'm emotionally, physically, and spiritually stretched to my limit. When I was in E.S.O.A.L they called it "Hitting B.A.R". B.A.R means "Burial and Resurrection." It's when your strength is gone and you can only go on by relying on the strength of God. You have died to yourself, and are resurrected with Christ. (Col. 3:1-4) 

I feel like I'm going through B.A.R again. I'm in battle, being refined in the fire, and feeling dry like I'm in the desert, as the song says. But it also says, "All of my life in every season. You are still God I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship." I woke up the other day and just looked in the mirror. I thought, "Wow. God made me. My voice and facial expressions. My body, soul, and spirit. He made everything around me, and everyone I know. I woke up today. I'm alive. I'm breathing. I'm healthy. Thank you so much God." He is still God, no matter what season I'm in. If it's the desert, the fire, the battle, or the soon to come harvest. He is still God. And he will help me through the tough parts to reap all I have sown. He is the God who provides and I can stand on that promise. It's so terrifying, exciting, and difficult in my life right now. Yet I will bring praise and no weapon, physical or spiritual, shall remain. I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ, and that's amazing! And when God comes through and provides, I can tell everyone what He has done for me! I didn't get the money from the Government with grants or aid, but from God's provision. 

GOD is my scholarship fund. 

I hope that this inspires someone out there. I know how it feels to be scared, to feel dry and alone, and to be desperate. I understand that feeling. But I am growing each day in faith and trust in God. I am being refined and stretched for a reason. This difficult time is going to help not only myself, but others in the future. And I am glad that I am going through these tough times, because I will find God in the desert. It's when we have run out of earthly water than Heaven rains down what we need. 

Refining the faith, 

-C.A.M. 

The Pursuit of Happiness

From the first of many adventures to come (I certainly hope)

To my Future Husband,

Hey there. I suppose we haven't met yet, but I am so excited to meet you. I have no doubt in my mind that you are an amazing person, that suits me in every way. That we share the same passions for music, worship, service, art, animals, and nerdy things. But I still haven't met you. I've had dreams about you since I was younger, and I know that you are out there somewhere, but I just don't know where quite yet. And I have no doubt in my mind that I will know just who you are when we do meet.

I imagine what it would be like to have someone like you in my life, and it makes me so happy already. Just the thought of being with you someday brings me so much joy. But, is it possible to miss a person you've never met? There are days when I wish you were here with me already. The days that I'm crying, discouraged, or afraid, and just need my best friend and companion to be by my side. I also wonder if you ever think about me. If I look anything like you thought I would, and if you'll know me when we meet. There are so many things that I don't know yet, but there are a few that I know for sure.

I know that you are probably a better person than I have ever imagined. That God is going to go beyond my expectations when it come to you. That you will be the most caring and loving person, and that I will be drawn to you in more ways than one. That you'll have the Fruit of the Spirit, and the aspects of Love. That you'll be a spiritual leader and protecter, someone I can look up to and proudly call "My Husband" and "The Head of the house". That you will respect me more than other men in my life have, and in turn I'll be able to submit whole heartedly to you out of love and respect. And that no matter how hard things may get, you will be there for me in laughter and in tears.

The hard thing is that, right now, I'm still not with you. I try to be patient, knowing that it's going to pay off. I'm not going after any other man who I know isn't you. I'm not going to settle or give away my heart to someone else because I can't hold on a bit longer. But I am sad. I do miss a person that I've never met. And I'm trying not to be discouraged in the meantime. Regardless, I'm going to be strong. Because I know that patience will pay off in the end. "So now I'll patiently wait, until you come my way." And I'm going to do the best that I can to become a Woman of God who can stand by your side.

-C.A.M



I'm being open and transparent right now, because I feel that it's important. I get scared. When people talk about how the world may end tomorrow, and that we all may be dead in a couple months because of the latest scare, I get scared. I try so hard to not fear death, that it has no victory or sting. (1 Cor. 15:55) And I do want Christ to come back for his Bride, and to be with Him eternally. I don't have issues with His return, but when people focus more on the terror and tragedy of the last days than the coming of Christ, I get scared. People tell me all the time that I shouldn't be, as if I should feel loathsome because I'm not as welcoming for death as others. But isn't it easy to welcome death and Heaven when you're old, married, have children, maybe even grandchildren, and have already lived out your life? When you're a 20 year old girl who hasn't met God's match for her, hasn't traveled anywhere yet, and feels like there's so much to accomplish and hope for, it's not so easy. When people tell me that being married or having kids isn't as important in the eternal perspective of things, I get sad. I've spent hours of my life weeping because people told me that the world would end soon. Because while they saw it as "Finally, we can go Home", my mind went to, "I won't be able to get married or have children in my lifetime." And that's a painful thing to think! It's easy to say that it doesn't matter in the long run when you're already married with children. But what about the perspective of young people who hear about how life is going to end in a few months? It's difficult not to be discouraged. "Why even bother working to get that plane ticket to travel, if the world ends soon anyways?"

I'm still working through those emotions. But God is helping me through them, and teaching me peace and patience. I know that the person that is perfect for me is still out there. I want to at least meet him before the clock on this earth starts ticking away faster. And the words of others start getting twisted in my mind to form types of lies to keep me down and depressed. "Why even bother working to get that plane ticket to travel, if the world ends soon anyways?" Those words have echoed in my mind for the past week especially, and also throughout my life. Why should I try to go for the dreams that God placed in my heart during my quiet moment with Him, if everything is going to end? But I came to realize something.

God wouldn't have placed those dreams in my heart just to hurt me because they're impossible.
The dreams, hopes, and goals that are imbedded into your being, from before you were born, are there for a reason. Not to taunt you, or give you something unobtainable. What purpose would He have for that? God loves you, and He loves me, why would He want to hurt us by giving us a dream only to make it impossible? Sometimes people will tell me, "Those dreams of traveling, marriage, and becoming a writer are all just fleshly, and you should let go of them!" Because my dream wasn't to go to a third world country and become a full time missionary, does that mean it's not from God? I struggled with that so much for years! I kept asking God, "What is it you REALLY want me to do?" Until He just told me, "Why are you asking that? You already know what it is, and you have for years." I was trying to get "the right" goals and dreams, but I already had them tailor made for me. We each have a purpose different from others, and are called for different things and have different gifts. (1 Cor. 7:20, Romans 12:3-8)
Also, there is nothing wrong with hoping for a godly companion, as long as those emotions don't consume or control you. It doesn't mean you love God or Christ any less, because it was built into us from the beginning. We are the Bride of Christ, but Jesus isn't our physical or earthly husband, no matter what your Facebook may say. But once again, you just can't let your want for a human companion overwhelm you or get out of hand, but don't rebuke those feelings like they shouldn't be there. If you ask God to take away the want for a Mate that He designed into you, the answer is no. You can however take control of those emotions and not let them take over.

So what am I really trying to get at here with all this talk about the things that I want, ie. to travel and have someone I love in my life? God is teaching me not to be afraid of the future or what may happen. Regardless of what happens in the world of politics, God is true to his word. (Num. 23:19) If He tells you He is going to do something, or have you do something, you better believe that it's going to happen. And it takes Faith in Him to know that God is going to do what He said He's going to do. It's not just my future that I'm spewing about, but yours too! Whatever He placed in your heart will happen, and it will probably happen in an even greater way than you imagined! It is so easy to let the words of others or the lies of the Enemy to tell you otherwise. That, "You won't amount to anything and your dreams will all die, life is just pointless." Those are simply lies to get you away from Gods Divine plan for your life.
As I write this I'm trying to get my heart to fully understand what my mind already knows. That there is no need to worry about out life because God is taking care of us. (Matthew 6: 25-34) He will take us Home when it's our time, so don't worry about things being "cut short" or "wasting you life because it doesn't matter in the end". Because the World is like our internship or bootcamp before Heaven, and there's nothing wrong in trying to make the most of your life and having it count for eternity. There's a difference between loving the World and wanting to make in impact for Christ in the World. It's not about wanting things to last because the world is so much better than Heaven or being with Christ, it's about wanting to do something for the Kingdom before you go there. I see absolutely nothing wrong with doing that. My greatest worry is that I won't have time to impact as many souls as possible before I leave the Earth, but God is working on me when it comes to that. He will take me when it's time, and I need to have peace about that.

What does that mean for now? To me it means Make the most out of the time you have been given, without worrying when that time will end. I'm not saying we shouldn't prepare ourselves for the Return of Christ, but that we should already be living in a way that honor God, that isn't dependent on when the plagues will be here. Each day should be lived in such a way that we will have no regrets when it's over, and I mean that it the spiritual sense not in the YOLO sense. The way to prepare is by reading the Word of God and spending time with Him daily and using your gifts to expand the Kingdom of Heaven. "Preparation" should just be daily life of quiet times and moments with God, and fulfilling the plans He has for you.

God wants you to have a good life. We are allowed to enjoy life. It is alright for us to prosper. God wants us to have a good life. I know some people say that this verse is "taken out of context", but I can't completely agree. Because when God speaks to His people, and we are drafted in as His people, I don't like it when people read those blessings and promises and say, "It's not for me". You are Gods child, you can have blessings and promises too.

"'For I know that plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12

If you don't think that's a good verse to use, then there is this one as well.

"The thief comes only the steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

You can also use the phrase, "Abundant life". Which is defined by being "Plentiful, Abounding with, rich with-" It means that when you are saved, Christ is also giving you an abundant life, because now you truly are alive. Wealth and power aren't everything, now in the slightest. But guess what, God wants you to be happy! We are called to be content with what we are given, (Heb. 13:5) and that to know God is the have joy (Psalm 16:11) . Instead of being afraid of a terrible life full of fear, regret, and no worth, be happy in the knowledge that God wants you to have an abundant life. That you were made with a reason, and you can accomplish that reason. I've been so afraid that I won't get to do anything before leaving this Earth, but I am starting it fully realize that it isn't true. God will use me, if I let Him, and I will have a good life. And instead of worrying about what may happen tomorrow, I just need to focus on the tasks I have been given and charge forward.
Do I still hope to meet my future husband? Yes. Do I still want to travel and write? Yes. But if I commit those things to God I don't need to freak out about if they will really happen or not! (Proverbs 16:2-4) I need to trust that what is supposed to happen will happen, and when I give things to God He will make them work out in the proper way. (Proverbs 3:5-6) I find peace and assurance in the Bible and in Prayer and Worship, and if I can focus on that, things will be alright.

I hope this jumbled post of my thoughts made sense. Even better, I hope that God used my insecurities and struggles to help you work through your own. As a young adult I understand the pressure and stress of "doing something great", I get it! But I learned that I need to take a breather (inhale-exhale, inhale-exhale) and just rest in the knowledge that God has it covered. If I put my Faith in Him, He is going to take care of me. This isn't supposed to be a discouraging post to make you worry about the future, but something to reassure you that it's going to be okay, more than okay. That my fears, and those were only a few of them, were calmed by God. And that your fears can be put to rest as well, once you lay down the burden and just let you Abba Father take care of you. (Psalm 55:22)


Refining the Faith,
-C.A.M

Fight the Good Fight

Our battle is against the Invisible world around us - unseen by our physical eyes

Wow, it's been too long since I wrote in this blog. I'll be honest and say that I've neglected keeping up with it, and favored other projects of mine instead. But after a long internal battle, that took several months out of my year, I'm back to my old self and ready to learn and share again! I may write a separate post altogether about what happened to me recently that caused both heartache and growth, but for now I wanted to speak my mind on something that's been stirring in my heart.

 After watching The Hobbit, and subsequently having a Lord of the Rings marathon, I thought a lot about War. Specifically "Spiritual Warfare", as a lot of Christians like to say. I've been taking a course at my Church lately about Spiritual affairs for Women, more or less. And you learn that it's not exactly the right phrase because the War was already won on the Cross (Thank you, Lord Jesus!) and what we do now is more "Spiritual Maintenance" or "Upkeep" than anything. We aren't trying to win a War, because it's already been won. But even though the enemy has been defeated, there are still daily battles that we encounter, from the soldiers from the other side and also our own flesh. (1 Cor. 15:55-57)

I suppose it's difficult to phrase it the way I want in text, but what I mean is that while we are still fighting the enemy today, the Enemy has already been defeated. We are still fighting battles, but the War is already decided. We have the benefit of fighting an Enemy that has already lost. So, there is nothing to fear. What we need to do now is fight for our Salvation, to strive to be more like Christ, our Rabbi, and to fight for others who cannot fight for themselves. If the War was already won, why should we even have to fight? Because we still live on the Earth, which is under Satan's rule. When you are inside of the Enemies camp, doesn't it make sense that you will have skirmishes with them? After all, we are not of this world (John 17:16). And until the day that Christ comes back we are "holding the fort" in ways, against the Principalities, Powers, and Spiritual Forces of the Heavenly Realms. (Eph. 6:12)

I hope I haven't confused you by any of this introduction, but my main point is that we are doing battle with powers not of this world, that is still a fact. But we have a God who is infinitely more powerful than them, and Christ is already the victor. Yet, until He comes back, we are still in the Enemies Land, and need to set captives free (Isa. 61:1) and continue to work out our Salvation (Phil. 2:12). It should be obvious that Satan and those with him aren't fond of us doing that. So when we are attacked, or those we care for are attacked, we need to be prepared to fight back. Now I can get to the main point that has been on my mind.

Put on the FULL Armor of God.

"Finally, be strong in The Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take a stand against the devil's schemes." Ephesians 6:10-11 (NIV)

This verse sums up what I was saying before. We put on the armor so that we can "take a stand against the devil's schemes". He schemes are summed up very simply, he wants to kill, steal, and destroy. (John 10:10) To steal your heart's response to God, to destroy your salvation, to keep you spiritually dead and numb, steal your talents and God given gifts, and to overall ruin your life (spiritual as well as physical) to get to your Abba Daddy, and hurt Him that way. Something that Christians need to take to heart and fully realize is that Satan hates you, and everything about you. There is no good in him, there is no "grey area", he hates Humans because we are in the image of God, and he hates The Body of Christ especially! It is not a battle that can be won peacefully where the Enemy will change their mind about you and decide to leave you alone out of the kindness of their heart. They want you dead in every possible way, so you are taking a stand against that and saying "No, I am alive in Christ, and You cannot steal my Joy, or my response to God." We submit to God, and resist the Devil, and then he will flee from you. (James 4:7)

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12 (NIV)

Let's get this straight. We are not battling people who are Gay, our President, the people who bullied us in school, that mean neighbor that we have, the protesters that come outside of events and churches, or anyone else who is Flesh or Blood! Instead of posting things on Facebook all day, we need to be praying, fasting, and reading the Word of God to fight against the REAL enemy, not the distractions of this world. (Luke 6:32-36) God loved us while we were Sinners, and we are called to love others as He loves us, so shouldn't we love Non-Believers as well? (John 13:34-35, Romans 5:8) If we can't love people who are "perfect" or who "believe everything we do" and "act the right way", how does that make us any different than other people? Instead of focusing your hatred of Sin on other people, focus it in your Spiritual life, and fight the battle there. Instead of fighting the captives, shouldn't we fight the captors instead, and strive to set them free? The photo at the top is from my trip to Seattle, and the prayer I did there was against the unseen Enemy that was all around me. Our battle is in cities and towns, but not necessarily against the people who live there. 

"Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." Ephesians 6:13 (NIV)

The Message version says, "So that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet."
If you want to last in battle you need to be prepared and protected, otherwise you won't last very long. You want to withstand as long as you possibly can, and for every piece of armor you neglect, you will last that much shorter. The Word doesn't say, "Put on some of the armor. The pieces that aren't too heavy, that are easy to keep with you, and don't inconvenience your day. Even if you just have one piece, you'll be fine." It says "FULL armor" for a reason, because every piece of The Armor of God is necessary.

"Stand firm then, with the Belt of Truth buckled around your waist, with the Breastplate of Righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from The Gospel of Peace. In addition to all of this, take up the Shield of Faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the Helmet of Salvation and the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God." Ephesians 6:14-17

As you read The Word, you realize that many aspects that we are called to have are repeated in several different ways. The Fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23), Aspects of Love (1 Cor. 13:1-13), and Armor of God share a lot of qualities. Truth, peace, righteousness, faith, etc. They must be important if they are mentioned over and over again.
We should have Truth wrapped around us and fastened tight. Righteousness should be right at the front, protecting our Heart. We should have the Gospel of Peace at our feet (Romans 10:15/Isaiah 52:7), walking in it and spreading it wherever we go. Faith is our guard against the Arrows/Darts and Lies of the enemy. We have Faith out before they can even get to the rest of our Armor, because if you have strong Faith they cannot even reach you. We have Salvation covering our Heads, as if an anointing that protects us. (Eccl. 9:8, Matt. 6:17) If protects our thoughts and is always on our Mind. Finally, we fight with the Sword that is of the Spirit. A Bible, as in the book that is full of paper and bound together, doesn't look to dangerous in the Physical world. But in the Spiritual world it is a dangerous weapon that can be used against Enemies in that realm, and helps aid Angels and Servants of The Lord as well. (Heb. 4:12)  It is the most powerful weapon that we own, which is why Believers around the world are so desperate to have it, and memorize it so that they can always have it. Because the Bible is more than just a physical item, it's the Words that are powerful, not the paper. It should be in our minds, on our lips, written on our heart, and at our fingertips, safety off, and ready to use. (Josh. 1:8, Psalm 119:1, Deut. 11:18, Psalm 40:8)

Notice something else, there is no "Back-piece" listed. Why don't we protect our backs, if everything else is covered?
1. Because The Body of Christ should watch each other's backs. (1 Cor. 12:25)
2. Foremost, because God is our Rearguard. (Isaiah 58:8)

Some people say it is because we are to never flee, that we are to always be fighting and that is why our back is open. As if God didn't protect our backs to "teach us a lesson". In actuality, we need to take rest from battle. A benefit of being in a Body of Believers is that there are many of us. In an Army people takes shifts when fighting or standing guard/watch, and rest between fights. If even God rested on the seventh day, who are we to think that we never need rest?
God is our Rearguard, so that when we need to recharge and rest from the Battle, He is keeping us safe from the enemy. Our back is never really "open", it is just protected in a way that we don't "activate" because it is always guarded. If we don't take time to work on ourselves, we will get burnt out. Many ministries fail because the people in them never take time for their own souls, to rest in the Lord and find peace for a while in the midst of a battle. (Matt. 11:28-30, 2 Thess. 3:16, Eccl. 3:1-13, Psalm 62:5)
But we also cannot spend the whole battle resting. We have armor for a reason. Soldiers have armor to fight. Why would we need Armor if we weren't Soldiers? (2 Tim. 2:3)  We need to learn balance between fighting and resting. We are called to "Fight the good fight" (1 Tim. 6:12, 2 Tim. 4:7), so why don't we get to it?

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all of The Lords people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the Gospel." Ephesians 6:18-19

I really dislike the phrase, "Put down your sword and love and pray for people instead". Why would we need to drop our weapons to pray for others? I would think that we should keep The Sword of the Spirit close when praying for others. That is what "Spiritual Warfare" really is, it's protecting ourself and fighting for ourself and others. We should never surrender our weapons or armor, putting it down only makes us weaker, it doesn't make us more or less loving to others. We need to pick up our swords again, not lay them down. We are not timid, but powerful in Christ. (2 Tim. 1:7)

This verse is connected with The Armor of God. "And pray", "Also pray","Pray as well", not "instead of doing that, pray instead at times". "With this in mind", keep the fact that you need the FULL Armor on in mind while reading this verse. While you have on your Armor, pray for all occasions, for all kinds of prayers and requests, and for all people. This is the Battlefield. Pray for the Missionaries to be able to bring the Gospel to others, and pray for the Body to be strong. Pray for healing, blessings, peace, salvation, pray for everything. Out battle is not against Flesh and Blood, but there is still a battle. So dust off your Sword, equip yourself, and join the other Soldiers. We have Armor because we are Soldiers, not because we are bystanders.

Something clicked in me and I really understood what it meant to put on the Armor. It's not as much as a responsibility as it is an Honor to fight for Our King and Savior. You have to pick a side, and once you choose it's time to suit up. Take breaks at times to build your strength, but don't forget to use that strength. And pray continuously (1 Thess. 5:16-18) with The Word, and work out the dents in your Armor, making it stronger whenever you can, so you can fight more intense battles over time. Just as if you were in a physical war, prepare, study the enemy, learn their weaknesses, learn your own and work them out, and always report to the Commander.

I'm putting on my Armor now, because I am tired of sitting scared on the sidelines. What do you say? Will you put on yours as well? If so, I'll see you on the Battlefield.

Refining the Faith,
-C.A.M.

Fair Weather Faith?

I really love the rain! When it rains I feel like everywhere that the water touches gets a fresh start. I love to stand in the rain, to play in the puddles, to smell the fresh water on the plants, and to hear that sound of water falling from the sky.
But, there are a lot of people who hate the rain! It surprised me to hear this, because when you really enjoy something you don't understand how someone could dislike it. The people who hate rain don't like being wet or cold, they don't like the streets being wet, getting their hair messed up, or the sound of rain hitting the house and streets. Because of this, they are upset when it rains.


I noticed that whenever Christians have an event, they rebuke rain in the name of Jesus, they want perfect, warm, weather! I've even seen people upset with God when it rains on the Church Picnic. "Why would God let it rain on us? This is an important event and we prayed for perfect weather all day! So why do we have to endure the rain!"


You can laugh at that, it is pretty funny after all, yet I look at this as a spiritual principle. Don't we do that in our lives?


When "Rain" or "Storms" come into our lives, we panic! We pray that God would make all hardship just go away! And if it doesn't, if we aren't happy 24/7, we blame God for "not taking care of us" or "not answering prayer!"
A lot of Christians have "Fair Weather Faith" these days.


If you look at birds in the springs and summer, they seem content. They play in the water, have little babies, and live their lives. But once they notice that it is getting cold, they will all fly away from that place to a warmer one. People get upset when their friends are like this. "Fair Weather Friends" who will be with you at parties and go to dinner when you are rich and happy, but when you owe rent on your house or have a family issues that it hurting you, they are suddenly unreachable.


We get so upset at people like this.
"How can you call me your friend if you won't even be with me during the hard times!"
We think that we would never abandon a friend in need! But have we considered that we are like a fickle bird in our faith?


It's easy to be a Christian when you are going to picnics, concerts, and everything in life is as happy as a fairy tale. But that's not the case all the time, is it?


Being a follower of Christ is hard. 


"Blessed are you when men hate you, and when they exclude you, and revile you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of Mans sake. Rejoice in that day and leap for joy! For indeed your reward is great in Heaven, for in like manner their fathers did to the Prophets."
Luke 6:22-23


Not only were the disciples during and after Christ's time on Earth persecuted and hated by others, but it has been that way since the days of Noah and the Prophets! Because of our faith our life is hard. Christianity is not a crutch for the weak, it is a commitment and life for the strong. For when we are weak, He makes us strong!


"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:10


Paul is one of the figures that we all look up to, because he had such an amazing faith. He was not only willing to die for the Gospel, but he was willing to live for the Gospel! 
I think that it is easier to say "I would die for God", especially since most of us think that we will not, but to live through the abuse of others is harder than dying. Never did Christ say that it would be easy to follow him, he said that we would be hated and that we should rejoice in the persecution!


It may sound like a cliche, but it's true, that God doesn't make things easy, but He will help us through it. He won't stop the storms, because He knows when we need them, but he will be our shelter from the storm.


I feel that "Christians" will go to bible study and church, but once something hard happens their faith is shaken and they doubt if God even cares. But we live in a fallen world, and if we don't have an eternal perspective we see things that hurt or are hard as bad or terrible. We fly from our faith as soon as winter comes. 


The thing is that when winter comes in our faith, so to speak, we fly away from the place that we were in. We don't sit in the place that we were until spring comes again, but we try to leave to a "better place". But we miss out on the blessings and the growth and stay in the same place in our maturity because we wouldn't stick out the winter. God isn't asking us to die in the cold, because he is our shelter, but once we leave His shadow and protection things can only get worse for us.


I ask myself, and challenge you to ask the same, "Am I a Fair Weather Christian?"


Do I get mad at God when things are hard, or don't go my way? Do I leave my faith behind when something looks more appealing? Are my beliefs based on my happiness alone, and if I am not happy I leave them?


One of the songs that I sing to remind myself of this is "Have Your Way" by Britt Nicole. Because it is about the hard times, and that we should let God have His way during those times, and not our way.
God does give us blessed times, comfort us, and answer our prayer. But he sees the whole picture and knows what's best for us.


I think that it is important to know that being a Christian is difficult, but so much more rewarding. And when you leave during that hard times, you don't grow and you appreciate the warm times as much. We need to choose joy in all times, and trust God with our lives.


I could go on forever, but I want to make this shorter so that those who read this can pray and consider on their own.


Refining the Faith,
-C.A.M.

"Beautiful"

I know that this is a subject that seems "overdone". But the reason we write and read about feeling beautiful is because we still don't feel like we are. So I wanted to write about my personal journey, the one I am still on, in viewing myself as a beautiful woman.


Now, you have probably heard the "I thought I was so ugly when I was younger, but once I grew up I felt beautiful" story a million times. The question is, did you feel beautiful because your confidence grew, or because you got thinner, taller, and "prettier".
Yes, we do grow more handsome and beautiful as we get older. Chances are that a twelve year old going through puberty doesn't look as stunning as a twenty five year old who has finished it. It's part of life, but the biggest growth in beauty is confidence that you are beautiful. If you don't have this when you are younger you will need to develop it, and if you did you need to make sure you keep it up instead of letting it fade as you  grow more conscience of your appearance.


It's easy to say that "True beauty is on the inside". But when I heard this my only thought was that saying meant that even though you're ugly on the outside, it's the inside that matters. That didn't help me much. Now I can see that the full meaning is that when you develop beauty, beginning on the inside, it will shine on the outside as well. 


I went to an internship where all the women I saw on campus were so beautiful! They were all second or third years, or staff members, at the ministry. I felt insecure the moment I stepped into that world. I felt like I did not belong in the same place as the pretty women. I mean, why should I be surrounded by such beautiful people and stand out as the ugly one? I could not see myself as beautiful at that time. The women there were confident, they were strong Christians, and they were "Proverbs 31" women. That is what made them so beautiful to me. 


As I look back, I think I understand why I felt ugly. It's because on the inside I was dead and I was not close to God, or behaving like a godly woman. Being around them made me see my flaws and I could not stand it. I spent the first few months in misery, believing that I did not belong. The feeling of being ugly was more of an underlying thing, I did not realize that was why I felt so bad until later. Once I began to see myself as beautiful as well, as I died to myself and my ugly, worldliness, I found that I was happy there.


(Now don't get me wrong, I think everyone is beautiful, that we are all unique and not a single one of us is ugly. I am just saying that other people are more attractive because of the type of person they are on the inside) 


So am I saying that I really was ugly compared to them? Maybe I am. Because God looks at the heart and not the outside, and my heart was ugly. (1 Samuel 16:7) I did not see that until the scales on my eyes fell off, and the light of the others shown on my darkness. As I got rid of my selfishness, my ugliness, my jealousy, and my love for the world and vanity, I found myself more beautiful.


Now I want to backtrack a little, to my early teens. I am almost twenty now, so to look back I see my foolishness.


I was a really twiggy child, my nickname was "Chicken Bone". But, once I started the wonderful thing called "Puberty", I began to gain weight. I was soon "the chubby kid" in my school. Pretty much all of my friends stayed skinny from seven to seventeen, except for me. And some of the girls would not let me forget that. Sometimes I look back and think, "Was there a way for me to have stayed skinny my whole life, like them?" But the answer is most likely No. Because this is my body type, I am not a size two or a size five, and I probably never will be. (But I am fine with that now)


I liked the same boy, growing up, as my pretty, popular friend. Outside, I would fight for him with her (joking slightly), but internally I thought that if he were to choose one of us, it would be the pretty, popular, skinny girl. (As I look back, I really don't know what I saw in him. But then again, I was only ten. My tastes weren't very developed then).
Once of my friends told me that my belly fat should be at my chest instead... Ouch...
Most of the girls hated me because, in-between the "Girls have cooties" and the "I want to date a girl" period, I hung out with a lot of guys. I was the Tom Boy, I spent most of my time with my brother, so I fit in better with guys. Plus, girls were mean to me, so why be with them?


Pretty much since I was seven I was the "Friendzone" girl. And I was fine with it! I just wanted to be with friends who liked video games and not glittery makeup. But the words from the other girls, and my own thoughts, were developing me into a person with very low self esteem. And my terrible haircut when I was thirteen did not help those feelings!


I wore sweats and t-shirts, I had a terrible bowl cut type of hair style, I was chubby, and I just did not like myself at all from twelve to fifteen. I put on a front, and was pretty much a jerk to everyone during that time. I acted like I didn't care about being pretty, wearing makeup, and that I was chalked full of confidence. But pride and insecurity are the same thing. Pride is insecurity in disguise, and insecurity can even be pride in disguise. 


The truth was that I felt ugly and unwanted. I had so many problems that it was crazy. Maybe I was just a dramatic teenager, but it felt terrible at the time. Who cared about makeup when you felt ugly even with it piled on? It was easier to just hide myself and build walls.


When I was sixteen God impacted my life through a mission trip to Alaska. I admitted to how I was feeling to the girls on my team, and got healing from it. But not full healing. After the trip was when I signed up for the internship. I has graduated high school two years early because I could not stand to be with people anymore. I was down to about three friends, out of the many I used to have, and I also moved out of the state. Once I was at the internship, well, I already told you about that.


Even after I finished my year in August of 2011, I still had feelings of insecurity.


I always hated my smile, I hated my chubby cheeks, I hated my clothing size, my completion, I hated a lot of things about me. I never showed my teeth when I smiled for photos, I hardly smiled in general. We used to have photo shoots for fun with my roommates, and that really helped me feel better. (I still love those pictures!)


I was going to stay another year, but God had other plans for me. Being home was hard. I missed campus, and I didn't feel like I was doing amazing things like the other graduates were.
Insecurity creeped back in. I felt ugly on the outside, and I felt unaccomplished on the inside. I recently went through a hard week filled with tears from insecurity, and about my life in general. But I am getting back on my feet and finding value in myself again.


This may sound too simple, or cliche, but this is how I have felt better about myself lately.


- I read my Bible more again, I talked to God about how I felt, and I journaled and wrote worship songs. This lifts my spirits for the day.


- When I look in the mirror I smile, and even say "I am beautiful" on occasion. When I start to feel bad about my looks I laugh and make a face and get over it. So what if there's a "muffin top" because of your jeans? Who cares about that in the end?  This helps me to make fun of myself a little, because I know I am beautiful anyways.


- I stopped watching shows about fashion. I pretty much just watch Sci-Fi films and series, and the Food Network. Getting rid of people telling me that I need to be prettier or skinnier helps me not compare.


- I threw out a lot of old makeup, and replaced it with some more natural looking, simple varieties. This helped my let go of the past, of piling on makeup to feel better. I don't need to "Make up" for anything that I am missing, I just accentuate the parts of my that I know are pretty anyways.


- I don't wear makeup unless I am going out. This helps me to see myself as beautiful everyday, and so I don't feel bad when I take off the makeup. I feel more comfortable in my skin this way, and it's better for me in the end.


- Saying things out loud may make you seem crazy, but hearing things helps, and saying things help you to process them. Hearing that I am beautiful, even if said by myself, helps me mentally.


- Never, never, never change yourself for another person! Do not loose weight just to get that one guy to like you. If you want to loose weight, or improve the way you dress, do it for yourself.


There is nothing wrong with bettering yourself, the problem is when you focus on it and overdo it!


Another thing is that we sometimes feel like if we know we are beautiful, and have confidence, than we are prideful, arrogant, and stuck up. But there is nothing wrong with having confidence in yourself! A arrogant person is one who puts down others to make them feel better, who feels like they are more attractive than anyone, and everyone else is ugly compared to them. A person who is confident doesn't have to put others down, knows they are beautiful and unique, and that all people are. Please know the difference, and don't let people tell you that you are stuck up because you know you are beautiful. 


I hope hearing about my personal journey has helped you. I went from the girl who saw herself as ugly and never smiled, to being the girl who sees herself as beautiful and smiles! I still have bad days, I am not saying that I am perfect in the least! And I am not saying to be like me, I am saying to be yourself. I do not want people to compare themselves to me ever! I want to encourage you that if you feel this way, you are not alone!


God took me out of my pit, but I need to work to stay out of it. Every day I make sure to find my worth in Him, and not my appearance, and to also see myself as beautiful, valuable, and precious!


Please know, whatever race, age, or gender you are, that you are beautiful! You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
(Psalm 139:13-14) 


Refining the faith,
-C.A.M.