An Alumni and Her Recent Thoughts

So this is probably going to be the longest and most honest, journal-like blog post that I've ever done. This is a post about my thoughts "Post H.A." as people have called it.

If you don't care much for my personal life I suggest you don't read this because it's one of the more "me" posts then the others, which are more just focused on God.

First of all I am now an Alumni of Teen Manias internship program called the Honor Academy (aka the HA). I lived in East Texas for one year (Aug.13th 2010 -Aug.13th 2011) with a schedule that usually was from 5am until 12am filled with working in a ministry, taking classes to develop myself as a leader, growing in relationships with my 5 roommates and my "family" of 40 people as well and my friends, and finally working as leadership for the drama program to use acting as a tool of worship to reflect the Lord. That's the most generic and general way to put it, because, as they said all year, "One year never meant so much."

So...What now? It's now September and I graduated in August. At first I was planning on staying a second year, I even arranged everything to make it possible. But, as God did with a lot of Interns, I was told to not stay by Him. This was one of the hardest things to give up, I wanted to be a Graduate Intern so badly but I knew that I was being called into a different season then that. So I ended up leaving and not coming back. Now I am at home and I am trying to get re-settled in and to get started on my career. I plan on being a writer and also I want to do traveling worship and prayer ministry in the future, but all things are in God's hands for wherever He steers me.

Being in "the world" is a difficult thing. I was so used too being around over 300 on-fire Christians, working in a ministry, being required to read the Bible and spend time in a prayer room, etc. And now I am not "required" to do that anymore. It's a huge challenge to do things you aren't required to do. Complacency sneaks up on you with the "I'll do it later" mentality and being satisfied with whatever. The days I don't spend time with God I desire it and I know that I need it. I want to spend time in prayer and worship so badly, yet temptation to not do it keeps trying to come into the picture. I've learned that sometimes I need to just verbally say "No" to things that I do to stop myself (or "my flesh")

It's difficult being away from Teen Mania and I am finding it hard to adjust but I am getting there. I thank God that I have such understanding parents to help me get used to this different style of life and for their patience with me.

Now for one of the biggest things that has been on my mind lately.

Girls, we all know that we love our romantic movies, novels etc. and that we can see ourselves married with children to any guy we see if we want to (I know men, this kinda freaks you out. Women have crazy imaginations!)

I was always told "guard your heart" at the HA. Well, for women it's the heart and the mind (where guys are told heart and eyes)

I have to guard my mind a lot. Being perfectly honest I didn't date for a year because I was an intern and even before then I never dated anybody. Well, now I'm getting older, my friends are in relationships and I am allowed to date. The things though is that this can utterly consume my mind! It's annoying frankly...

That is why I took on the Character Development challenge to not date for another year after the internship. So I am not going to e romantically involved with anyone until August 13th 2012 (exactly one year since I was allowed to date)

I have been convicted on several things lately.

First, I was thinking lately, "wow, I wish I could have an amazing romance like the ones I have been hearing about..." And I heard a whisper to me heart.

"I have already given you the ultimate romance, I gave my life for you."

Wow.... Conviction slap in the face!

Jesus is already the ultimate love story and company to me. He has my heart and is the one I am devoted to. Yet it gets so hard when you want to be with somebody but you know you are not ready yet. I am not saying we should all be single, solitary nuns for our whole lives, but there is a part of our hearts that can only be satisfied with the love of the Lord, the "God shaped hole" that we all have. I can't fill that with anyone else because the Lord is my satisfaction. I am still trying to remember this and luckily the things I am doing to prepare for my books have been drawing me closer to the Lord.

Second... So there are girls out there who like many guys at the same time (To quote HomestarRunner.com, "I have a crush on every boy!")

I'm a little bit different, but I am sure there are other girls out there who are like me.

I only can have feelings for one person at a time. The problem is that instead of having puppy dog feelings that can be taken away easily, I get attatched. This is something I have been trying to work on for a long time, and by the grace of God I am getting better with it. The first person I had feelings for lasted about 8 years when I was younger. I have to guard my mind a lot because I don't like being emotionally attached to people that I should not be. My mind has been too active when thinking about dating and it takes too much away from my relationship with Christ. So that is the other reason that I am not going to be in ANY romantic relationship for a year, because it is was to distracting for me with the season of life that I am in right now and my age. And I don't want to get attached to a person if I am not sure if we are best together or compatible.

(The reason I am writing this is because generally when I write about things it helps me get over them, in case you were wondering)

There is a lot more I could say about this, but I am not going to say too much about my personal life.

I do want to extend this challenge out to anyone reading this though!

For all you singles out there, would you be willing to join me in a commitment to not date and channel all energy into growing in the Lord and in personal maturity? (plus I figure that if that person really wants to be with you they will wait a year haha) It would be great to have more people doing this, but I'm doing it no matter who else does it!

So my life has been moving in and unpacking, decorating my room and the house for my parents, serving in ministry and giving what I can, pushing myself away from any complacency, committing to not dating for another year, and working on getting a book ready to publish while learning more about music and how to be a self-supporting adult! *whew* (yet I still don't feel at busy as I did as an Intern)

I miss everybody very much but I know the Lord is going to do amazing things with the different paths He is sending us all on. I hope I get to meet my HA August 2011 classmates on the road in the future!

Keeping the Faith,

C.A.M

(P.S. I bet a few of my friends and family are thinking, "Who is it that you are trying to not get too attached to?" Well, you don't get to know, so there! I am not talking about it until August 2012 at the earliest hahaha)

Case Study on Being Selfless

Here's a long post with every verse I can find on Selflessness and Selfishness! (I decided to do this, along with my fellow Interns at the HA)

Psalm 119:36
"Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain."

(Clearly "selfish gain" is not a statute of God.)

Proverbs 18:1
"An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels."

(Unfriendliness and selfishness are partners in crime, to be unfriendly is to not be loving.)

2 Corinthians 12:20
"For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder."

(Paul feared finding people being selfish)

Galatians 5:20
"idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions"

(From the list of things that are NOT of the Fruits of the Spirit)

Philippians 1:17
"The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains."

(We can be "doing ministry" and have selfish gains in mind.)

Philippians 2:3
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,"

(We should humble ourselves, not think highly and have selfish gains for ourselves.)

James 3:14
"But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth."

(We should not be proud or hide the we are selfish.)

James 3:16
"For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice."

(Selfishness is soil for evil to grow inside of us.)

Ezekiel 16:49

"Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy."

(Sodom was guilty of not helping others, being selfish with what they had.)

Matthew 6:2-4

“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

(Giving to the needy, and being selfless and valuing others above ourselves is one of the most important things we can do.)

John 1 15:13

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."

(The greatest way to love is to be selfless and be willing to give even your life for others.)

Corinthians 13:4-5

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

(Love is not self seeking)

Romans 5:8

"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

(Christ dying for us was the greatest act of selfless love)

Romans 2:8
"But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger."

(Godly wrath follows those who are only self-seeking.)

Matthew 23:25
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence."

(People can look good on the outside and on the inside they are filled with selfishness.)

Those are what I have found so far, if you know any more please let me know!

Conviction Calling?

Since I came to the Honor Academy in August I have grown so much in the Lord!

This may be true but....I also have not gotten as much as I could have...

Lately I feel like the Holy Spirit has convicted me of something that I have always struggled with. I have taken steps and made progress, but it still is effecting me. What is this hinderance?

Academics.

Too much of an earthly thing is always trouble, even if it was meant to be for good in the beginning. My whole life has always been dedicated to academics, school was pretty much an idol of mine. I constantly pushed myself and neglected my Creator because of it. Many people who know me know that I pushed and graduated High School 2 years early, this was not always a great achievement. It caused pride, judgment on others, and spiritual dryness. God gave me an opportunity to go through school and have plenty of time for Him, yet I abused this. I had hours and hours of free time after I finished school for the day yet I didn't spend it to draw close to Him. God later pretty much told me that all the plans I had built up for myself were...well..useless. Instead of College I took off a year, despite what other thought of it. And in turn I went to Alaska and then signed up for the HA.

I now look at all of it as a gift, though it was abused. After all, if I was still in school I would not have gone to the Honor Academy in the year I was meant to. The mistake I made was thinking that I had overcome my almost lust of learning and being the best. This is something that used to consume me and as obvious. But the more deadly form of it was inside of me, that is the unnoticeable bit, the bit of yeast that leavens the whole loaf (in other words). The small sins are the most deadly. As I went into my intern year this was inside of me. And recently God convicted me of this.

You can get college credit at the HA and it sounded like a good idea. Now this is not a bad thing in the least, it was how I handled it. I took on all the classes and I became stressed and irritated with people, and the worst part was that I focused on the classes more than dedicating my year to Christ! I was only thinking of classes and school, not my future with God or knowing Him more. I love the classes and they teach useful things, but they were consuming my life and spending time with God and building healthy relationships were last on my list... My eyes were opened to the type of person I had become and I know now that I need to stop before the last months of my intern year are up.

So I have decided to drop at least one, if not more, electives. I love them, but if they are going to effect my relationship with God I know I need to drop them. This next semester I am going to try to focus on God and Relationships instead of planning my future in every way. God once spoke to me saying "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own"(Matthew 6:33-34) This verse has more than one meaning that I though it did. God wants me to work hard in what I do and strive for Him, but also to not worry and plan every little detail of my life. He has plans for me. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) And I can plan all I want but I'm sure that, once again, God will dash them all away. And it will be a better plan in the end but I can save so much time and trouble by seeking Him and letting Him lead then wandering aimlessly. And once I let go of my plans, again, more is being revealed to me each day! I cannot wait to see what's in store!

No longer have I forgotten the seed God planted inside of me, and the joy and peace I feel when I'm with Him. My passion is being refueled and my focus is narrowing in on the eternal! This new year will be the best of my life, I know it! And I can effect it and make the most out of it by simply focusing on God and the Kingdom instead of my learning and being a scholar!

I hope to make 2011 the year of a second chance, of refocusing, and of making Christ the only Lord of my heart! It's time to toss aside the College books and grab the Bible!

Keeping the Faith,

C.A.M