Bypass Number One

*Please note that I'm trying to do "bypasses" on my heart as a continuation of my "heart surgery" and I'm never fully aware if I'm using terms correctly *

I have been asking God to bring up things that need to be dealt with and now I need to feel the sting of it all... Last night I finally started to really deal with issues I have talked about before, dealing with sleep and the dark. And after seeking help and prayer I also talked with my parents and had them pray over me and my room. But in the end I was really dealing with something that I kept on struggling with over and over again... And it took one sentence from my mother to start to snap me out of it.

"You are not that little girl anymore."

Only very few people know the details of what happened with my family when I was little and I don't want to go into on here. But there was a lot of spiritual warfare in my family and in my life before I was even ten years old that has left scars on me to this day... And I still felt/feel the fright of it and the pain of it... And in my mind I was still the little girl crying and cowering in the corner with no power or authority with no idea what I could possibly do. And this was hindering me so much because I thought myself powerless and weak... I keep being afraid of things that scared me when I was little, and I need to grow up! "You are NOT that little girl anymore" couldn't be more true!

I grew as a believer since then and because of all of it I've also been made stronger than most. But instead of being that little girl who was just afraid and unsure of myself only knowing how to ask others to deal with my problems I didn't fully understand yet, I am now a young woman of God! And I asked God to help me work through old things of my past and I want to do it myself (don't think this the wrong way, of me shutting myself out from all help, I am willing to accept help where I need it and I am simply saying that I don't want to fully rely on people because I shouldn't).

I am sick of being a small frightened child and and I am going to break free of this. Now I keep telling myself "You are NOT that little girl anymore" and I start to understand that God won't throw things at me that I can't handle and with each new fight I get stronger. And it may hurt, I know that it hurts, I cry barely knowing why when I deal with these types of things. But no pain no gain...

To finish things up, I have began overcoming my fear and insecurity in this area and I can almost feel myself becoming stronger as I work through this. And I am NOT a little girl anymore!

-Keeping the Faith,

C.A.M

(Also this is the verse I quote to myself often;

Isaiah 41:10

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.")

What's on my mind...?

Everything and Nothing... A look into my mind makes me confused at times.

I have a brain that is almost overly active. I can't stop thinking! I even tweak and make decisions in my dreams most of the time and think about them when I wake up. I can't sleep until I'm really tired at night because if I am even slightly awake I'll start thinking, and thinking at night can keep me up until about 3am some nights...

Another thing is that having quiet time and reading and writing gets hard for me. In quiet time I start to think and after a little while my mind isn't remotely on God anymore and I hate it! I have to fervently pray "God keep my mind on you" and concentrate deeply to be able to have an hour with God. And I wish that wasn't the case...

And books and things get hard to read for me. I think about the previous line, the next line, what's going to happen later, "that reminds me of that one time", etc. etc. and I have to re-read often because since I was thinking so much I can barely remember the line I just read. And writing! AGH! When I try to write I am CONSTANTLY thinking of other books, my blog, future and previous plot lines, and I even start thinking of just random things going on in my life. I think about life and my future and my purpose when trying to write a single line.

When I was younger I couldn't seem to get a grip on my mind at times, and at times now I still can't. I don't know how other peoples brains work and so I don't know if I'm normal or not really... But I had/have a hard time controlling my mind at times. For example I will think of somebody riding a bike or twirling, and I picture it in my head. And I think of them spinning and spinning then I think "Stop!" and they wont stop! They start spinning out f control and I can't get them to stop and I just keep thinking "stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!!!" After a while I can stop the spinning and control my mind a little more each day. And now I actually will do it for a sort of mental exercise. I start and stop the spinning to try to get my mind under control and even I think it's a weird thing to do but I often wonder if anybody else ever does it. I even do these "exercises" before something important to get a grip on my brain.

People tell me that my constantly active and creative brain is a gift. I think of it as a blessing and a curse. I can be inspired by everything and I'm always thinking. But this can also be a bad thing because I also need to be still and silent and be able to concentrate on things.

Right now I'm really trying to calm down my thoughts because I can't be still and listen during quiet time, or even concentrate for it some days! I have gotten a lot better at it but I still am not a master...So I do wonder if anybody reading this knows some ways that can help me. Anything is much appreciated!

Keeping the Faith,

C.A.M