Bypass Number One

*Please note that I'm trying to do "bypasses" on my heart as a continuation of my "heart surgery" and I'm never fully aware if I'm using terms correctly *

I have been asking God to bring up things that need to be dealt with and now I need to feel the sting of it all... Last night I finally started to really deal with issues I have talked about before, dealing with sleep and the dark. And after seeking help and prayer I also talked with my parents and had them pray over me and my room. But in the end I was really dealing with something that I kept on struggling with over and over again... And it took one sentence from my mother to start to snap me out of it.

"You are not that little girl anymore."

Only very few people know the details of what happened with my family when I was little and I don't want to go into on here. But there was a lot of spiritual warfare in my family and in my life before I was even ten years old that has left scars on me to this day... And I still felt/feel the fright of it and the pain of it... And in my mind I was still the little girl crying and cowering in the corner with no power or authority with no idea what I could possibly do. And this was hindering me so much because I thought myself powerless and weak... I keep being afraid of things that scared me when I was little, and I need to grow up! "You are NOT that little girl anymore" couldn't be more true!

I grew as a believer since then and because of all of it I've also been made stronger than most. But instead of being that little girl who was just afraid and unsure of myself only knowing how to ask others to deal with my problems I didn't fully understand yet, I am now a young woman of God! And I asked God to help me work through old things of my past and I want to do it myself (don't think this the wrong way, of me shutting myself out from all help, I am willing to accept help where I need it and I am simply saying that I don't want to fully rely on people because I shouldn't).

I am sick of being a small frightened child and and I am going to break free of this. Now I keep telling myself "You are NOT that little girl anymore" and I start to understand that God won't throw things at me that I can't handle and with each new fight I get stronger. And it may hurt, I know that it hurts, I cry barely knowing why when I deal with these types of things. But no pain no gain...

To finish things up, I have began overcoming my fear and insecurity in this area and I can almost feel myself becoming stronger as I work through this. And I am NOT a little girl anymore!

-Keeping the Faith,

C.A.M

(Also this is the verse I quote to myself often;

Isaiah 41:10

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.")

Bumps in the Night...(part 1?)

I want to start to get into my fears and struggles. I want this blog to encourage spiritual growth so I need to get over these things. And I ask that if anyone knows things to help me with these that they would PLEASE tell me them because I want as much insight as possible.

I'll start with the lesser fears and struggles and build myself up to the hardest ones...

The first thing that comes to mind when I think "what am I afraid of?" is my fear of darkness.

Most people are afraid of "the dark" from when they are little but grow out of it quickly. But "the dark" is only part of it for me. As previously said I'm afraid of "darkness" which is different than "the dark".

In my opinion The Dark is Genesis 1:5 when God created light and dark, morning and evening.

And there is also Darkness of faith and person like Psalm 82:5 and Proverbs 2:12-15 Walking in Darkness.

But I'm speaking more about Revelation 16:10 and Ephesians 6:11-12...

Some people have not experienced or do not believe in spiritual warfare. But I have. And I was a very little girl when it happened and because of my age it stuck with me more. I wont go into what all happened but I will say that my fear of "the dark" isn't that I can't see but what I'm afraid of seeing. I fear what happens at night and I fear Darkness.

In Frank Perettis Books Piercing the Darkness and This Present Darkness he talks about the Darkness I'm afraid of. In a part of the book it says that a person turned on the lights but it was still "dark".

There is a type of darkness that is it's own identity, not simply the absence of light. And it's something I wish nobody to ever have to experience.

I don't want this to be a extremely creepy post to scare people so don't think that. This blog is like a journal of my spiritual walk and I want to be open and honest in it is all.

Now I am trying to stick to 2 Timothy 1:7 and James 4:7

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind."

"Submit to God, resist the Devil, and he will flee from you."

And if anyone knows any others please let me know them...

This is a fear that for lack of a better word traumatized me as a child so it makes it harder to get over it now. But because of this warfare I went through I grew as a Christian at a much earlier age than most people. I had to be strong and fight when I was 8-9 years old. (of course my parents and brother were the main force)

I had to understand spiritual warfare, gifts, and so on and it has made me grow tremendously but I still haven't fully shaken the fear of "the dark" I sleep every night with prayer, a nightlight and a fear of a blackout. And people tell me I don't need to be afraid constantly and I know I shouldn't but I am still going through this...

As the song "Have Your Way" by Britt Nicole says;

"you never said the road would be easy, but you said that you would never leave."

I know that God is with me and is protecting me and that things are still going to be hard... So I sometimes wonder why it is I still have this fear. I suppose it's because I still don't completely believe it even though I should.

Another thing that isn't helping is that I shared a room with my sister for so long that sleeping alone is difficult. Having somebody next to me or to talk to until I was sleepy helped me calm down and without that now I don't like being all alone in a room. I used to have a dog who kept me company and he was a blessing from God. But just about a week ago we had to put him down and now my room is completely empty...

But I think God is using this to help me grow instead of relying on earthly things to calm me. I think God wants me to fully rely on Him to protect me and give me peace. And when you are going through growth it's hard and it can hurt but it all helps you in the end.

I may write about this further at a later time but for now I'll leave it at that...

Please be praying and if you are going through a trying time as well know that it's to help you grow and you are not the only one!

Keeping the Faith,

C.A.M.