Back and Forth

Have you ever had to watch the person you love be with another person? And all you can think is that you would treat them better as the person they are with treats them like dirt? You look at them together and you think "you're so much more valuable than this." And you wonder why they keep going back to that person who doesn't even love them when you know you love them and would be better to them. I've experienced a very mild case of this before and I've seen it happen to my friends and it was one of the most painful things for me to watch. I was thinking that I would never be that stupid as to be with the person using me instead of the one who truly loved me... Then I realized that I was doing the exact same thing.

I kept going back to the world time and time again instead of staying loyal to God. He was trying to tell me every day how much He loves me and was trying to make me see the better choice. I would go to Him, feel his love and relax in His presence and the joy He gave me. But for some reason I just kept leaving. I kept on going back to the world for periods of time. Weather it was a week or a year or even years I would go to the world and come back crying to God. No matter how many times I was treated badly or scarred or tossed aside by the world I would go back for some reason. I couldn't understand it myself just like how I couldn't understand the people with their boy/girl friends who were abusing them could get them to come back practically begging for more.

I also had two types of friends just like those people. I had the friends telling me that the world wasn't loving me and that God was. They were telling me time and time again that the one I needed to be with was calling to me and was right in front of me! And I had the type of friends who said that God was just a side thing to go to and that the world was more fun for me. The same way that when you have the sweet loving guy and the "bad boy" who just used you (if you don't know what I mean you've obviously never watched about 80% of romance movies)

The friends say that the bad boy suits you more and makes you more fun while the sweet one is "boring". While the other friends are telling you that the caring person is better in the end. You have to make the choice of who you are going to listen to. Unfortunately most people will listen to the wrong person.

Another thing is that the one you choose is the one you will start to become like. When a person chooses the wrong guy/girl to be with if they are a really bad person you will start to see the person you love change into somebody else... And if it's goes too far you can barely eve recognize them in the end.

"Who are you? I still love you because I know the person you are underneath it all...But I can't see that person at all right now."

The same way I would think that about people, weather it was my friend being changed or the person I loved being changed, I realized that is what God was saying to me! No matter how tattered, torn, broken, hurt, how many holes were in my heart or walls around myself there was God kept taking me back! Part of me couldn't even understand this. "Why?" Just as I watched the person who loved my friend comfort them and thought "How are they able to do it?" I was thinking the same about God, but about a thousand times greater.

I felt like I was a dirty rag that was polluting the clean bowl of water in my mind. "The water is going to get dirty from me I don't deserve to be in it"

But in reality the water is running. The water was rinsing me out and kept pouring out and not a single spec of dirt could get into it. It could continually clean me and it would be fine. Why was I underestimating the grace and purity of God? I look back and I think "probably because it was too much for my mind to understand" because it is. I honestly can't fully grasp the grace and mercy I am continually offered! I'm so used to being treated badly and being judged and not forgiven that when God said He would take me back as many time as I need it was too much to handle. I find myself looking pathetic in a pool of tears as big as Alice's in Wonderland crying out to God "Forgive me!" but at the same time saying "I don't deserve to be forgiven why are you?!"

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I mess up. I go to the wrong person and I come crawling back to God with baggage and hurt and He takes it all and gives me a fresh start time and time and time again. And I can't comprehend this! I understand what I'm doing is wrong, I realize who is the better one to be with, and yet I keep messing things up. Someday I hope to look back at this and think that I've overcome it. To look back and think "look how far I've come!"

I'm not sure how to finish this because I know I'm "not finished yet". This is a continuing struggle and I'm working on it daily. Keeping up this lifestyle choice of being a christian is difficult but always worth it in the end. So I know that I will continue to have struggles after I write this and as I would like to say that this is in the past and that I've overcome it now but I can't honestly say I have. I want to end this on 3 things. The main thing I've learned from this is that God's forgiveness is more than anyone can fully understand but trust me on one thing; It's Real.

And a couple verses to remind us.

Colossians 1:13-14, Daniel 9:9, Matthew 11:28 (theres a LOT but these are my favorites)

And a side note.

In life with relationships most people can't recover once they've changed so much. But luckily with God you can go back to the person you are meant to be. After I didn't recognize the person in the mirror anymore God took me and helped me become not only myself again but the person He want's me to become for Him is slowly coming out as well.

Keeping the Faith,

C.A.M

p.s. I know it's kinda long, sorry!