"Beauty is Fleeting"

Something I used to struggle with greatly was self esteem... From the ages of about 9-15 I couldn't stand myself. And it wasn't super models or actresses that I was comparing myself to, it was my sister. I consider my sister to be one of the most beautiful people I've seen. And she is not only beautiful on the outside but on the inside as well, Which I believe is what reflects on the outside and makes her so gorgeous. And when you have an older sibling who is beautiful and smart and funny and that everybody loves it can be hard on you. I have always wanted to be as beautiful as her. For those who know Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader it was like Lucy and Susan syndrome. I kept wishing I could at least be equal as her. And while admiration is a good thing too much of it is poisoning.

Now keep in mind I still think all of this of my sister and I have never blamed her or anything for this "problem" of mine. But when I was younger I wasn't where I am today (obviously). And after I went to the Revolve tour and lots of time at youth groups I finally came to realize a few things.

First: that my sister is four years older than me. So she had already become a "woman" when I was still a stumpy little kid. Second: that soon I would go through the same thing and that it would change me to look like a "woman" as well

Third: that even though we look a lot alike and we are sisters we are still different people and I'm never going to look exactly like her and I shouldn't because I am my won person.

And Fourth: that she was beautiful because of her mental and spiritual maturity that was much higher then mine was.

After years of agonizing over looking just like her I instead focused on creating my own self. I love the fact that I have a little of my sister and my brother in me. But these don't make me "like them" but merely add to who I am. And as I worked on improving myself and only comparing me to who I was before I gained more and more confidence each day. And I'm still in the process of figuring out who I am and am meant to be but whenever that day was way back when that caused the breakthrough started all of it.

That was just getting my own identity mainly though and even though I got more confidence from it I still didn't have very much. When I went to revolve and saw Chad Eastham and bought his book (The Truth About Guys) I was able to take a huge leap forward. He said that women should respect themselves and not be a "target" but a "treasure". In the book out of many things there is a part of it that says that women focus on the features we hate and that most men focus on the features of themselves they like the most. So I decided then, and still do, have a guy mentality about myself. When I look in the mirror instead of saying what I hate I found a part of myself I really liked and focused on it. Slowly I started to realize I was liking more and more of me. A lot of people think that by liking yourself you are stuck up but I also realized that this wasn't true. It's confidence. Not "Over confidence" but plain old value in yourself! I had become a treasure who knew it was valuable and now was less likely to become a target! To be a target mainly is when a guy spots a girl with low self esteem and says how beautiful he thinks she is and she only thinks of herself as so when he is saying it to her and then once the guy has the girl thinking he thinks she is valuable he can use her as he pleases and throw her away (and just cause a guy is being nice doesn't mean he is doing this but this is one of the things...)

Nowadays I have enough self esteem that *ahem* I do NOT need a man to make me feel beautiful because I KNOW I am and GOD knows I am and that is ENOUGH for me!

But I am still human (and a girl) so I do have my moments of weakness. I'll be blunt that I don't like my skin. I've had skin problems as long as I can remember and there is still that little thought in the back of my head that I wish my skin could be more clear and beautiful. And I push this out only with the help of God. I think to myself "God still loves me and thinks I'm beautiful even with my skin condition" and I don't know what I would do without Him especially at those times.

And as I said earlier my sister is beautiful also because of her inner beauty. So currently that is what I am working on. Not "just to look prettier" but because it helps in all places of your life and the lives of others. Right now in my life I'm doing a sort of "detox" of my old self and washing away all the impurities on the inside. I push myself to be helpful, kind, modest and devoted with a strong faith. Which is why I wrote those types of thing all over my walls so that when I wake up I look around and tell myself "That's what I'm pushing to be" and I go on about my day with those in mind. I know I'm not there yet but I will continue to work on it until I am. And even some more after that! And I am workingon becoming a woman of Proverbs 31, which is a little long to type haha

So to all the women reading this, would you care to join me?

Keeping the Faith,

C.A.M