Bumps in the Night...(part 1?)

I want to start to get into my fears and struggles. I want this blog to encourage spiritual growth so I need to get over these things. And I ask that if anyone knows things to help me with these that they would PLEASE tell me them because I want as much insight as possible.

I'll start with the lesser fears and struggles and build myself up to the hardest ones...

The first thing that comes to mind when I think "what am I afraid of?" is my fear of darkness.

Most people are afraid of "the dark" from when they are little but grow out of it quickly. But "the dark" is only part of it for me. As previously said I'm afraid of "darkness" which is different than "the dark".

In my opinion The Dark is Genesis 1:5 when God created light and dark, morning and evening.

And there is also Darkness of faith and person like Psalm 82:5 and Proverbs 2:12-15 Walking in Darkness.

But I'm speaking more about Revelation 16:10 and Ephesians 6:11-12...

Some people have not experienced or do not believe in spiritual warfare. But I have. And I was a very little girl when it happened and because of my age it stuck with me more. I wont go into what all happened but I will say that my fear of "the dark" isn't that I can't see but what I'm afraid of seeing. I fear what happens at night and I fear Darkness.

In Frank Perettis Books Piercing the Darkness and This Present Darkness he talks about the Darkness I'm afraid of. In a part of the book it says that a person turned on the lights but it was still "dark".

There is a type of darkness that is it's own identity, not simply the absence of light. And it's something I wish nobody to ever have to experience.

I don't want this to be a extremely creepy post to scare people so don't think that. This blog is like a journal of my spiritual walk and I want to be open and honest in it is all.

Now I am trying to stick to 2 Timothy 1:7 and James 4:7

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind."

"Submit to God, resist the Devil, and he will flee from you."

And if anyone knows any others please let me know them...

This is a fear that for lack of a better word traumatized me as a child so it makes it harder to get over it now. But because of this warfare I went through I grew as a Christian at a much earlier age than most people. I had to be strong and fight when I was 8-9 years old. (of course my parents and brother were the main force)

I had to understand spiritual warfare, gifts, and so on and it has made me grow tremendously but I still haven't fully shaken the fear of "the dark" I sleep every night with prayer, a nightlight and a fear of a blackout. And people tell me I don't need to be afraid constantly and I know I shouldn't but I am still going through this...

As the song "Have Your Way" by Britt Nicole says;

"you never said the road would be easy, but you said that you would never leave."

I know that God is with me and is protecting me and that things are still going to be hard... So I sometimes wonder why it is I still have this fear. I suppose it's because I still don't completely believe it even though I should.

Another thing that isn't helping is that I shared a room with my sister for so long that sleeping alone is difficult. Having somebody next to me or to talk to until I was sleepy helped me calm down and without that now I don't like being all alone in a room. I used to have a dog who kept me company and he was a blessing from God. But just about a week ago we had to put him down and now my room is completely empty...

But I think God is using this to help me grow instead of relying on earthly things to calm me. I think God wants me to fully rely on Him to protect me and give me peace. And when you are going through growth it's hard and it can hurt but it all helps you in the end.

I may write about this further at a later time but for now I'll leave it at that...

Please be praying and if you are going through a trying time as well know that it's to help you grow and you are not the only one!

Keeping the Faith,

C.A.M.

Back and Forth

Have you ever had to watch the person you love be with another person? And all you can think is that you would treat them better as the person they are with treats them like dirt? You look at them together and you think "you're so much more valuable than this." And you wonder why they keep going back to that person who doesn't even love them when you know you love them and would be better to them. I've experienced a very mild case of this before and I've seen it happen to my friends and it was one of the most painful things for me to watch. I was thinking that I would never be that stupid as to be with the person using me instead of the one who truly loved me... Then I realized that I was doing the exact same thing.

I kept going back to the world time and time again instead of staying loyal to God. He was trying to tell me every day how much He loves me and was trying to make me see the better choice. I would go to Him, feel his love and relax in His presence and the joy He gave me. But for some reason I just kept leaving. I kept on going back to the world for periods of time. Weather it was a week or a year or even years I would go to the world and come back crying to God. No matter how many times I was treated badly or scarred or tossed aside by the world I would go back for some reason. I couldn't understand it myself just like how I couldn't understand the people with their boy/girl friends who were abusing them could get them to come back practically begging for more.

I also had two types of friends just like those people. I had the friends telling me that the world wasn't loving me and that God was. They were telling me time and time again that the one I needed to be with was calling to me and was right in front of me! And I had the type of friends who said that God was just a side thing to go to and that the world was more fun for me. The same way that when you have the sweet loving guy and the "bad boy" who just used you (if you don't know what I mean you've obviously never watched about 80% of romance movies)

The friends say that the bad boy suits you more and makes you more fun while the sweet one is "boring". While the other friends are telling you that the caring person is better in the end. You have to make the choice of who you are going to listen to. Unfortunately most people will listen to the wrong person.

Another thing is that the one you choose is the one you will start to become like. When a person chooses the wrong guy/girl to be with if they are a really bad person you will start to see the person you love change into somebody else... And if it's goes too far you can barely eve recognize them in the end.

"Who are you? I still love you because I know the person you are underneath it all...But I can't see that person at all right now."

The same way I would think that about people, weather it was my friend being changed or the person I loved being changed, I realized that is what God was saying to me! No matter how tattered, torn, broken, hurt, how many holes were in my heart or walls around myself there was God kept taking me back! Part of me couldn't even understand this. "Why?" Just as I watched the person who loved my friend comfort them and thought "How are they able to do it?" I was thinking the same about God, but about a thousand times greater.

I felt like I was a dirty rag that was polluting the clean bowl of water in my mind. "The water is going to get dirty from me I don't deserve to be in it"

But in reality the water is running. The water was rinsing me out and kept pouring out and not a single spec of dirt could get into it. It could continually clean me and it would be fine. Why was I underestimating the grace and purity of God? I look back and I think "probably because it was too much for my mind to understand" because it is. I honestly can't fully grasp the grace and mercy I am continually offered! I'm so used to being treated badly and being judged and not forgiven that when God said He would take me back as many time as I need it was too much to handle. I find myself looking pathetic in a pool of tears as big as Alice's in Wonderland crying out to God "Forgive me!" but at the same time saying "I don't deserve to be forgiven why are you?!"

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I mess up. I go to the wrong person and I come crawling back to God with baggage and hurt and He takes it all and gives me a fresh start time and time and time again. And I can't comprehend this! I understand what I'm doing is wrong, I realize who is the better one to be with, and yet I keep messing things up. Someday I hope to look back at this and think that I've overcome it. To look back and think "look how far I've come!"

I'm not sure how to finish this because I know I'm "not finished yet". This is a continuing struggle and I'm working on it daily. Keeping up this lifestyle choice of being a christian is difficult but always worth it in the end. So I know that I will continue to have struggles after I write this and as I would like to say that this is in the past and that I've overcome it now but I can't honestly say I have. I want to end this on 3 things. The main thing I've learned from this is that God's forgiveness is more than anyone can fully understand but trust me on one thing; It's Real.

And a couple verses to remind us.

Colossians 1:13-14, Daniel 9:9, Matthew 11:28 (theres a LOT but these are my favorites)

And a side note.

In life with relationships most people can't recover once they've changed so much. But luckily with God you can go back to the person you are meant to be. After I didn't recognize the person in the mirror anymore God took me and helped me become not only myself again but the person He want's me to become for Him is slowly coming out as well.

Keeping the Faith,

C.A.M

p.s. I know it's kinda long, sorry!